Hide and go sex: The V’s handy guide to public lewdness

“Sex is as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other.”
–The Marquis De Sade

We had hoped to find a suitable epigraph from a more respectable source, such as Voltaire, or perhaps The Bard. Anyone, really, besides a slash-and-burn libertine most famous for peddling the kind of readable porn that would make Ted Bundy blush. On the one hand, quoting an author whose running motifs include sodomy, coprophagia and outright mutilation can detract from the central argument, especially for the more Victorian-valued in our readership.

On the other hand, the Marquis has a point: When you’re hungry, you wolf down a hamburger. When your mouth is dry, you slake your thirst at the nearest water fountain. When your bladder is tingling, you find the closest convenient place to sit or squat and let fly. Why shouldn’t it be the same with sex, the most urgent of nature’s calls? Fear of reprisal? Performance anxiety at the terrifying notion of being caught? Some puritanical delusion whose creaky voice declares that the zestiest of enterprises is designated only for the bedroom? Grow the hell up, lovers, and take heart. The V doesn’t mind being the shameless Virgil to the Dante of your midday sexual frustration. With these tips, the sites of your public and primal escapades will soon dot the landscape, with no pastor, parent, professor or policeman ever the wiser.

Public thrills don’t have to include skinny-dipping in a mall fountain or doing some under-the-coat-on-your-lap acrobatics in the middle of a saucy physics lecture. And it doesn’t have to have all the sound and fury that might normally accompany the act. The thrill lies in the possibility that you may get caught, not the guarantee. Keep it simple. Picking isolated, poorly-lit spots will minimize your risk of discovery and a flickering, low-watt bulb might create a nice ambiance. Wear clothing that provides easy access to the important bits of your anatomy, because running away from the authorities naked is a lot harder than TV makes it look. And for all you screamers, talkers, gaspers and Holy Rollers, keep your foul mouths shut for once – this is a roll in the hay you’re trying not to advertise.

While one can’t simply decide to be in the mood whenever, sometimes the stars align in your favor and a fire alarm goes off right when your hormones begin a-boiling. Take advantage of these times when everyone is distracted. If international terrorists take over your office, it might feel like an inappropriate time to get down. But the silver lining around that dark cloud is that everyone is cowering for their lives down in the lobby, not in the break room on the fourth floor, where you are making sweet love. If there is no diversion happening, take charge of the situation yourself, or call on a favor from a friend. A good wing-man or wing-lady is the one that’s willing to start a food fight in a Burger King so you and your special friend can get some alone time in the walk-in freezer.

You don’t have to be like Hannibal on THE A-TEAM. You don’t have to draw schematics and study blueprints. But having an escape route in mind is key when it comes to fornicating outside the boudoir. When you enter the arena of your choosing, take a few brief seconds to gauge your surroundings. An extra door might seem like an ideal portal through which to abscond when necessary, but it’s also one more door someone could enter at the wrong time. Climbing out a window is a viable option, but make sure that window not only opens, but opens wide enough. Are there places to hide, should the need arise? Consider all of these options and, just in case, wear comfortable footwear at all times.

It doesn’t have to be all supply closets and unisex bathrooms, kids. Pretty much any place that is out of the way and large enough to accommodate you and your partner is the right place. Consider the locales you frequent, the spots you know extremely well, and take a second to think about all the nooks and crannies in which coupling might be possible. There’s always an abandoned concession stand in the park. There’s always a neglected AV room in the library. There’s always a dark corner in the bat exhibit at your local zoo. There’s always an empty coffin or two at the funeral parlor. Make a little map in your brain of all the hideaways you can imagine. Commit it to memory. You’ll pat yourself on the back next time you’re at a corn maze and the mood strikes.

If you’re the kind of person who plans a public sexual scenario a week in advance, you either have the understandably tight schedule of a ruling magistrate or you’re a textbook  milquetoast and you will fail.

Firstly, you or your date are going to chicken out. The more you think about the upcoming coitus, the more you’ll ruminate on the potential to get caught and your once-willing spirit will prudishly retreat. Secondly, even if dread doesn’t diminish your drive, conditions will have changed. That ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese might have been empty a week ago, but how do you know it is not now teeming with the children of hard-nosed cops? Finally, if the anticipation of the event is better than the event itself, then logically the greater the anticipation, the greater the letdown. You can practice saying “It’ll be better next time, I promise,” or you can be spontaneous. Aside from knowing your surroundings and having a ready escape route, the most intricate plan you should make for these kind of scenarios is, “Meet me in the copy room in five minutes”.

If you act guilty, you’re going to get caught. So, don’t get all shifty-eyed and sweaty-palmed about the whole affair. Strut confidently over to your rendezvous point and then, when the deed is done, strut confidently out again. Your level of confidence will put your partner at ease and make for a less awkward coupling experience. Any authority figures who may be lurking about the perimeter will be thrown off by the fact that they can’t smell your fear and your shame. Even if you’re trembling in absolute terror, whip out your mad thespian skills and pretend that everything is easy like Sunday morning. Besides, if you suspect that someone knows what particular brand of no-good you’ve been up to, guess what? You just had sex and they didn’t. You win. Go ye and spawn some more.

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