A lot of magazines get lazy at the beginning of the year and just do a bunch of random lists instead of anything actually newsworthy. And we’re no different!
Except instead of a bunch of lame lists telling you what albums were groundbreaking and which films were the steamiest, we just decided to get really esoteric. If you want to know what actually happened, read Time this week.
Ten ways to bump up Orem city’s rating of eighth safest city in the USA
1. Police-enforced curfews, for the nighttime is the right time.
2. Relocate all children’s karate studios to Payson where they belong.
3. Speed bumps EVERYWHERE.
4. Enforce that every house own a bark-happy hunting dog.
5. Annual lottery to determine who gets to reproduce.
6. Giant pictures of Thomas S. Monson’s face plastered everywhere.
7. Extend BYU’s anti-beard laws to the entire state.
8. No basements allowed anywhere. Everyone is above ground ALL THE TIME.
9. While we’re at it, no roofs. And the police department gets helicopters and jets.
10. Take it out of the state that that had 46 homicides this year.
Ten phrases Ronnnie Lee Gardner should have said as his last words
1. “Hey, wait a minute. This isn’t a surprise birthday party for me …”
2. “Is it hot in here, or is it the smoldering lead buried in my chest?”
3. “Hey, can we get a do-over? My lobster tail last night was really undercooked.
4. “FREE BIRD!!!!”
5. Upon hearing list of charges, imitating Steve Urkel: “Did I do that?”
6. (Waves hand.) “This isn’t the inmate you’re looking for.”
7. “Rosebud.”
8. “Hey guys, look over there!”
9. “Just so you know, my anatomy’s kind of weird. My heart is in my shin, so aim down there.”
10. “Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you. Blessed art thou among women…”
Ten infrequently chosen New Year’s resolutions
1. Be more vigilant against letting chimps in the house, especially ones dressed as salesmen or missionaries.
2. Stop doing that one thing… You know what I’m talking about!
3. Clean bodies out of hall closet.
4. Reach goal weight of 600 pounds and start filming fat fetish videos.
5. Sneak off the island while polar bears are napping.
6. Find a rich business tycoon to somehow take the blame for this hemorrhoid problem.
7. Take my horrible screeching children out in public more often.
8. Finish Photoshopping beards off paintings of Jesus before April’s General Conference.
9. Eat the meat of at least two endangered species.
10. Who the hell cares, I’m just going to stay fat, keep smoking and never finish that novel.
Ten Utah Valley businesses that do not exist outside of dreams
1. Burritograms.
2. Service that dresses homeless gay teens in Provo like well-groomed EFY kids.
3. For a nominal fee, Boyd K. Packer will call your roommate and tell him to stop dry humping on the living room sofa.
4. Coliseum where BYU neo-cons square off against UVU commies
5. Meth-head maids – scrub the tile right off your floor!
6. Consultants to go around and show schweet bro douchebags how to properly wear a baseball cap
7. Dog fighting pit where the dogs dress up like senators and congressmen
8. Battlestar Galactica-themed strip club
9. Family Friendly Dress-Your-Own-Corpse Mortuary – we provide the slab and the formaldehyde, you provide the body and the fun!
10. Thanksgiving Point, but, like, with more T&A.
Ten reasons we cursed asst. editor John-Ross Boyce’s name in 2010
1. Somehow gave us the bubonic plague.
2. Threw up in the printer, now every article looks like chewed up hot dogs.
3. Traded computers for a sack of “magic beans.”
4. Since elected staff fire marshal, fires have increased by 1000 percent.
5. Constantly accompanied by loud, hungry pack of unleashed feral dogs.
6. Just look at his stupid hairy face.
7. DEADLINES.
8. Throws plates in the recycling bin.
9. Our children inexplicably love him.
10. Drank all the ink on a wager—that no one made with him.
Ten pet peeves about winter in Utah/on Planet Hoth
1. Celebrity grand marshal for Winter Festival is Jar-Jar Binks.
2. Crocheted headbands at local boutique don’t come in Ewok size.
3. ATAT Imperial Walker keeps fishtailing on ice, despite the fact that it snows every year.
4. I thought they smelled bad on the outside.
5. Lightsaber doesn’t cut through icicles as well as Skywalker claims.
6. Echo Base keeps Christmas lights up well past Jan. 1.
7. Cheap activists threw estern y brand ketchup on my Wookiee fur coat.
8. Damn Tauntaun carcasses only fit two medium-sized people at a time.
9. Liquor store parking lot is like a damn ice rink.
10. Frozen Wampa feces are difficult to scrape off the driveway
Ten rejected cover story ideas for The V
1. Let’s just fill the whole thing with pictures of kittens.
2. Who farted?
3. Has anybody else noticed that Obama is a black guy?
4. Ten luke-warm tips to sort-of satisfy your lover. Kind of.
5. JR gets drunk and goes to ____________.
6. Stupid pranks to pull on BYU students/administrators/sympathizers.
7. That one guy with the stupid hat on campus — what’s his problem?
8. Choose your own adventure: Financial aid line!
9. Mustaches on campus: It’s not ironic, it’s just gross.
10. Let’s just do a bunch of stupid-ass top ten lists.
