The great condom caper

Pictured above is the very last condom UVU will give away. Abstinence is now the prevailing suggestion for our randy Wolverines. Gilbert Cisneros/UVU Review

Pictured above is the very last condom UVU will give away. Abstinence is now the prevailing suggestion for our randy Wolverines. Gilbert Cisneros/UVU Review

As of March 1, our Health and Wellness center has decided to stop providing condoms to students that wish to keep themselves sexually healthy and well.


Thanks to the research done by Clay Neville for his story, we know it is because one or two students with very dirty hands were taking all of the rubbers out of, what I will now refer to, the dirtiest bowl on campus.


The dirtiest bowl on campus was only raided every few days by “one or two students.” It is a travesty for the dirtiest bowl to be treated in this manner. It contains such an important, individually wrapped, future-ensuring device. Though the university put up a valiant effort, the dirtiest bowl was simply too dirty to ever become clean.


It became dirtier and dirtier, possibly affecting the students that reached into that foul, accursed thing. Perhaps they would become just as dirty as the bowl. They decided to put an end to the bowl’s promiscuity, and they quickly removed the dirty bowl from sight.


Let’s be a little bit honest about this though. A controversial bill moves through the government, the entirety of the U.S. currently fighting on both sides in a war about contraceptives. Why wouldn’t our school, a public institution mind you, cave to what public opinion in our area happens to be? No sex until you’re married, and if you do decide to experiment, let’s go ahead and take away that safety net, just for funsies.


According to, the average age of our undergraduates is 26. From what I have seen at this school, most people that age are either married or engaged, and anyone that isn’t, usually isn’t of the popular faith.


Chances are, there are a lot of sexually active people on our campus. Those people probably don’t want children either, because nothing says, “I can graduate college,” like a helpless, puking tiny person that wears a bag of its feces around its waist at all times. That little surprise may put a kink in your ability to make it through school.


Another possible hindrance to your education could be a little present you receive from someone. It’s just as alive as a baby, but it’s more spreadable and can be shared between more than two people.  That’s right, STD’s.


No matter how many people grabbed those condoms from that dirty bowl, those students were being kept safe, and, in a way, protecting other students.


Who knows how many sexual partners each of them had? Maybe those few students that grabbed those handfuls of condoms were protecting every partner they had from an STD.


Now, if they were to just simply not care about condoms anymore, since they aren’t as easy to obtain, or free anymore, maybe they will spread their, or someone else’s, STD’s. If each handful of condoms was used, for that student’s own safety, now you have that many other students in danger.


So, there are two ways in which you could be hurting the students of this university by removing the dirty bowl. By sabotaging their future with an unwanted pregnancy, or sabotaging their health with an unwanted disease.  The Health and Wellness center has made one decision that has put the heath of the student body at risk, possibly just to avoid any hassle from the government now, and potential hassle in the future.


No one is currently telling them they can’t provide condoms to students. There is nothing on the books that says they can’t offer sexual health products to their students.


This is a college campus that has taken a large step backward in promoting personal and sexual health. That bowl may have been dirty, but there could have been other options, probably unconsidered options, for handing out condoms. How about a big bottle of hand sanitizer next to this allegedly filthy bowl?  Maybe keeping the condoms behind a counter is an option, so students have to ask for them. That way, only one person has to touch them. That would help solve the problem. It would also help by creating a dialogue between the student that wants them and someone who works at the center, allowing for more discussion on sexual health.


Was that even considered?


I’ll leave you with one last thought. What made that condom bowl so much dirtier than every candy bowl that more hands probably reach into, or all those boxes that hold the popcorn we reach into? Nothing. Enjoy your dirty, dirty candy.


By Cameron Simek
Opinions Writer

1 thought on “The great condom caper

  1. Great article! It was able to hit the points I wanted touched on in a ‘read between the lines’ type of way in my article. Also very funny! I am glad some people understood the issue and are talking about it at least. A dirty bowl as a reason for removing contraceptive accessibility is just ridiculous. I almost wanted to ask if the SHS department really wanted this published as a reason but…I thought it illustrated the issue in ways.

    Oh and on a side note “A helpless, puking tiny person that wears a bag of its feces around its waist” Is the most epic picture that has ever come into my head when I have read an opinions column! My hat goes off to you sir!

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