While I wouldn’t consider my previous relationship to be abusive, now that I am out of it I can see that there were signs that it could have become one.
Luckily for me, I had good friends that helped me see past the red flags and the excuses that I made for them, though it took a while for me to listen to them. If I had known the signs to watch for before I got too involved, I could have spared myself a lot of heartache.
We typically think of abuse in a physical manner, though emotional abuse can be just as damaging. While it seems obvious that physical would be easier to spot than the emotional, when you’re in the moment, both are difficult to acknowledge.
The best way to be ready for a potential abusive relationship is to trust yourself and be honest with what you’re feeling. It is easy to make up excuses for the actions of the abuser so you don’t see what’s really happening.
Be sure to listen to your friends and family also. They can see what you cannot so they can warn you of any problems.
One big red flag to watch for is possessiveness. That can be anything from checking in on you frequently and checking your phone activity to controlling where you go and whom you talk to.
Abusers need to feel in control. They become jealous and say that it is because they love you. In reality, it is a sign of insecurity and lack of trust, though they will likely deny it.
Jealousy does not always mean that the person is an abuser. A little jealousy is harmless because it shows that they care about you, but you have to watch to make sure that it doesn’t turn into an obsession and over controlling behavior.
Another big red flag is superiority. This may be subtle at first; pointing out ways that he or she is better than others. This practice often escalates to more elaborate put-downs.
The superiority acts can happen either in public or private, blaming you for problems in the relationship, comparing you to others in an unfavorable fashion and so on. These actions reflect the abuser’s need to have control
Another red flag to watch out for is pressures to move faster in the relationship than you are comfortable with. A little bit of pressure isn’t bad, but consistent coercing and trying to guilt you into something you aren’t okay with is when you have to worry.
Especially in the beginning of the relationship, these signs will be subtle and harder to identify. As time goes on, they will become clearer, though if you weren’t on your guard in the early times you may have already built up a tolerance for the abuser’s actions.
If you do find yourself in a developing abusive relationship, get yourself out of it. Be warned that abusers may try to get you back; don’t let him or her convince you to do so. It may hurt but it is better for you to move on and think of your well being than to stay in an unhealthy relationship.
