Reading Time: < 1 minute Dance majors will now have more to do than sit in the hallway of the LA building stretching while wearing arbitrary and weird sweat pant combinations with equally depressing leotards. A new exotic dancing establishment, Club of the Twelve Apostates, is opening in Provo next weekend and is actively recruiting UVU’s dance majors.

Reading Time: 2 minutes Mr. and Mrs. Locke sat petrified on their sofa and watched their daughter Genny with frozen stares. The toddler is not yet two years old, but she is swearing at the contestants on Jeopardy! with undisguised contempt. “Moron! How the hell could you possibly mistake Newton’s Laws for Einsteinian theory?!” she yelled.

Reading Time: 2 minutes A dispute over whether to publish an article on a cursed bowling ball or a half- page photo of a child’s homemade cookie that sort of looked like the Virgin Mary caused a newsroom brawl Monday. Photographer Trent Bates’ face reddened in a deep scowl as he hooked Life editor Mel Sundquist in a headlock.

Reading Time: < 1 minute So here we are, UVU. We had the big transition last year when we switched from UVSC to UVU. Now, don’t get me wrong; I think switching from UVSC to UVU is great. But the question still hangs over us — when will UVU become a University? With true University status, we should become unstoppable.

Reading Time: 2 minutes Edward Cullen sparkles. No – he SHIMMERS. As a flamboyant gay man at UVU, I obviously believed I had no interest in the alleged heterosexual TWILIGHT books series and I was less-than-enthralled when my official “fag-hag” (holla Shaniqua-lay, you’re my girl!) and all her friends went out on opening night for the movie.

Reading Time: 2 minutes A local anonymous hipster, known among students as “the one with the bright pink fixie and the beanie made of yak fur,” has been temporarily ostracized by his peers for making a quick decision about which blended coffee drink to purchase at the Starbucks at University Mall.

Reading Time: 2 minutes In an effort to improve the environment at UVU, President Holland’s first act as leader was to ban the popular Ugg Boots. Protests have sprung up all around campus in response to this result. “I’m outraged,” said a UVU protestor, “I’m going to get all of my girlfriends from BYU to help with this unfair decision.

Reading Time: < 1 minute Despite having unfortunate, short commercial breaks, the stand out film of 2010 is going to be Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks reuniting in the flick You’ve Got G-mail. Yes, the technology driven romance theme is back and it is still conveniently based on the internet.

Reading Time: < 1 minute Rob McDowell isn’t your typical UVU student: he has long hair, dislikes authority, and likes to make fellow students ‘think’ about things. One of the ways he does this is by sitting in a different seat every time he goes to his Psychology class. “I just want to make students think, you know?”, McDowell said.

Reading Time: 2 minutes Men have been struggling to solve the mystery that is the female thought process for centuries with little success. Given that women are the more complicated sex, it seems only fair to expose a few of the simple ways a man can please a woman in a relationship.