Reading Time: 2 minutes Mr. and Mrs. Locke sat petrified on their sofa and watched their daughter Genny with frozen stares. The toddler is not yet two years old, but she is swearing at the contestants on Jeopardy! with undisguised contempt. “Moron! How the hell could you possibly mistake Newton’s Laws for Einsteinian theory?!” she yelled.
Reading Time: < 1 minute Dance majors will now have more to do than sit in the hallway of the LA building stretching while wearing arbitrary and weird sweat pant combinations with equally depressing leotards. A new exotic dancing establishment, Club of the Twelve Apostates, is opening in Provo next weekend and is actively recruiting UVU’s dance majors.
Reading Time: < 1 minute After decades of attempting to clean up the seagull’s reputation, the American Avian Society has finally decided to call a spade a spade and admit that seagulls are douchebags. The AAS released an official proclamation last week. This news has hit the citizenry of Utah especially hard, as the seagull is recognized as the certified State Bird.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Jimmy Vipple is excited (to put it mildly) to make the big bucks this summer. “I’m stoked,” Vipple said. “I mean, EPX says that the least amount made by a sales rep last summer was around 20 grand. That’s so much money!” Vipple, along with others, attended a meeting in which they learned they “would be fools not too sell for EPX this summer.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Bikini Cuts hair salon is set to open up shop on UVU campus in the Sorensen Student Center as soon as summer semester classes begin. “We’re very excited to open up our UVU Bikini Cuts location,” said Bikini Cuts owner Rod Ellis. “We’ve always wanted a Utah Valley presence, and UVU just seems like the perfect fit.
Reading Time: 2 minutes This Tuesday, UVU’s administration issued a shocking proclamation; UVU has officially declared war on Brigham Young University. The declaration stated that UVU was forced to take action because of BYU’s “repeated and annoying acts of douchebaggery against the faculty, staff, and students of Utah Valley University.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Arches National Park became the first national park to capitalize on former Pres. Bush’s lame duck loosening of environmental safeguards. They will now hold auctions that will allow advertisers access to the red-rocked tourist destination. Delicate Arch, the longstanding symbol of Utah, stands to be the big-ticket real estate.
Reading Time: 3 minutes New Pres. of UVU is a Credit to Institution In the March 23 edition of the UVU Review, Aaron Heineman submitted a Letter to the Editor expressing his objection to the selection of UVU’s new president, Matthew Holland. Aaron, let me be the first to say, I am with you.
Reading Time: 3 minutes A group of students and community members was forcibly escorted from the McKay Events Center by campus police on Wednesday March 25, after engaging in counter-recruitment activities during UVU’s Career Fair. U.S. Military recruiters had information and recruitment tables at the Career Fair, which the escorted individuals said they were there to counter with information presenting a viewpoint other than a U.
Reading Time: < 1 minute An unheard-of event and an enemy to free speech occurred between Wednesday night and the morning of Thursday, March 26. Absent from UVU Review’s newspaper racks were copies of UVU Review — every one of the newspaper’s 28 racks were stripped bare. Each of the other newspapers available to the campus were left to be enjoyed by the student body — except for the only newspaper created solely by and for members of the student body.