It’s the Fourth of July again, and before passing out during the family volleyball game due to a mixture of heat exhaustion, beef ingestion and those seventeen mai tais that seemed like such a good idea, we thought we’d bring you a fearsome foursome of Top Fours. Enjoy, and remember to stick your sparkler in the bucket when you’re done.

Top Four Reasons to Love America . With Caveats

*America democratically elected a member of an historically oppressed minority to lead the world’s most powerful nation… but rifle sales and domestic terrorist threats shot up the second we did.

*America’s innovative internet technology like Twitter and YouTube has given us a direct window into Iran’s post-election unrest. but most of us have been twittering about Sarah Palin squabbling with David Letterman.

*America still stands as the world’s financial leader. but here comes China, just around the bend.

*America’s adaptability is a primary strength, and will probably see us through any crisis in the long run. but nothing. No caveats here. Our ability to adapt and absorb change speaks to our national character, and is our best bet against irrelevancy in an uncertain future.

Top Four Ways to Know You’re a Liberal

*You mistake that Zamfir panflute collection lurking in your iTunes Library for “worldliness”.

*Your graying ponytail is tied at the nape with that Free Tibet bandanna you got from the Lollapalooza concert circa ’93, when grunge was alive, man.

*The thought of a Toyota Prius and a Chevy Volt “hybriding” together gets you sexually aroused.

*Check your pants. Are you wearing underwear that was designed for a member of the opposite gender? Congratulations, you’re a liberal. Don’t get your panties and/or boxers in a bunch, these are jokes.

Top Four Ways to Know You’re a Conservative

*The ride-on lawnmower you were arrested for drunk driving in has a gun rack on its gun rack.

*You don’t measure volume in decibels, but in “Hannibels” (hM).

*You’re very, very frustrated with the state of American politics right now. Very.

*Check your pants. Are you wearing padded underwear that eradicates any trace of human form or sexuality from your groin area? Congratulations, you’re a conservative.

Top Four Flag Colors




*Light Purple (slipped into the wash)