Dave Iba’s Top 9 list
The new names for Stephanie Meyer’s newest novel

9. If I hear Anyone Else Talk About These Books I’ll Throw Up;

8. Edward Vs. Jacob In The Twilight Zone;

7. The Fresh Prince Of Bella Air;

6. Bella, The Triple Crown Winner;

5. Eclipse, New Moon, Twilight . . . they forgot “Moons Over My Hammy”;

4. Mormon Chick Porn;

3. Apollo 69;

2. Twilight Reloaded;

1. Vampires Do It!

Ok, so I’ve never read any of her books and I never plan to. So, many girls read these books (as well as their boyfriends, to pretend that they like them too and somehow score some points). Lame. I tell girls all the time they shouldn’t be reading porn. If I could read what a facial expression has said, most responses would be read as: Sir, you are gross. As if I had just told them they had a pornography problem. Actually, I can read what is going through their head every time: ‘Freck; this guy is telling me — ME, a girl that goes to church every Sunday — that I have a pornography problem?’ Yes, I did and I’m sure all the institute teachers here at UVU will agree.

Pornography is something that conjures up sexual feelings in someone, when looked at or read. Why do you think romance novels are so popular with women and not men? Cause dudes look at pictures and chicks read romance novels. “But Dave, they are married in the book when they have sex.” Fine, if that is your argument: buy me a porno that is of married people and we will watch it together. Feel free to invite your mom, and don’t forget the Milk Duds! But don’t take my word for it. [Insert Reading Rainbow music:] Read it in the July 2003 Ensign. http://tinyurl.com/4pzgm4