Embrace your inner killjoy

Unrequited or otherwise, we victims of love are much maligned. For malcontents and those who prefer doing more than sitting at home complaining about being single, here are some ideas to find contentment on a day when lovers remind us that we don’t have it.

 With a bar of Dove or Lever soap, go to the parking lot of a typical date-night restaurant (such as Olive Garden) and draw dirty pictures on car windshields.

 Order a life-size doll, give it a name, and take it around to work, in the car, and out to dinner. Talk to it and kiss it every time you’re both in public.

 People love getting flowers, but occasionally they get uncomfortable with all the attention instead of relishing it. If someone at work or in class gets some flowers, glare at them. Throw in some inaudible mumbling or pretend you’re deathly allergic. See who blinks first.

 There are dozens of free anonymous texting services online, which allow you to send bulk text messages to as many people as you’d like. Copy your entire phone book, and send a sincere break-up message. Try this: “I think it’s about time we ended this. The holiday has me thinking, and it’s just not working. Sorry.”

 Approach an arbitrarily chosen couple you see in the hall, march up to the one of the same sex as you, and say: “Hey honey, you never called me back. Who is this? Are…Why didn’t you tell me? I gave you a great night! It was my first time! How could you!? I hope you make each other happy! You…you make me sick!!!” Walk away, face in palms and making loud, wailing noises.

 If you’re near a couple while eating lunch, close your eyes and make loud orgasmic noises each time you bite into your food. Shoulder/groin movement optional.

 Call a randomly chosen household, and say this: “Is Mr., um, I’m sorry, I can’t quite make this out. Who’s the man of the household? That’s right, Mr. (say name here). Well I have his results from the clinic. Can you tell him that the test came out positive? He needs to make an appointment for the antibiotic creme. Thank you!”

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