Joshua Wartena, Opinions Editor, firstname.lastname@example.org
The public is bacon crazy. For the past few years, this delicious breakfast meat has become the unofficial celebrity of all things food. Every day I see another blog post raving about bacon, another ridiculous Facebook post touting its supremacy over all meats, and Pinterest should probably make a “bacon” tab. The attitude has gotten so bad, people just shout “BACON” whenever they see or hear mention of it.
Why is this cut of salted pork gaining such popularity? I agree it is delicious, and some have said eating bacon is equivalent to rebellion. I don’t know, but I do know if something is well-liked, someone will sell it. You can bet manufacturers will capitalize on “bacon mania.”
So, without further ado, I present the oddest bacon products I could find.
6. Bacon of the month club.
Now, I understand a cheese of the month or gourmet dinner of the month, but this is a box of fatty meat strips. I can go to literally any grocery store and buy this whenever I want. The real kicker here is the price tag of 50 dollars per month. I want to meet the sucker that’s paying 25 bucks for a pound of meat.
5. Bacon flavored soda
I’m getting nauseous thinking about this. I’ve tried the maple bacon donut for salty/sweet, and it’s awful. Carbonated sweet bacon liquid is a horrendous idea, especially at four dollars for twenty ounces.
4. Bacon sunscreen
No, this isn’t for licking off. Sitting in the sun, enjoying the rays, smelling like cooked pork, isn’t that what everyone wants? No, no it isn’t. Put down the sunscreen and walk away.
3. Bacon infant feeding formula
Oh dear. If this appeals to you, I really beg you to stop procreating. This could be fun as a joke or a baby shower gift, but the company is offering a lifetime supply as a contest reward. If you want to consistently feed your baby bacon-flavored formula, you may need help.
2. Bacon coffin
Surprisingly, this isn’t number one of the list. It really isn’t too tacky. If I didn’t know before the funeral, I would probably just think it’s a really odd coffin. Bacon kind of looks like badly painted wood. And really, this is going underground, so it’s not like anyone will see it.
1. Bacon condoms
And we arrive at the pièce de résistance: bacon-flavored condoms with bacon print. I get this: you’re a guy who wants to surprise his lady friend with a something that tastes nice, or you’re just looking to spice things up in the bedroom. But for heaven’s sake, do they have to be bacon printed to look like bacon and have meat flavor inside as well as out?
There you go, bacon lovers. Look what your insanity is doing to this country! Somewhere out there people are enjoying bacon in bed, in a bottle, at the pool and glorying in bacon in the grave! We have to change our… hold on, my bacon of the month is here.
Ooooh, honey barbeque flavor…