..New Mall Franchises
- Scientologiez. They interview you, take readings on ridiculous meters, and then hold you hostage the rest of your life by threatening to reveal your darkest secrets — all in the latest skater styles!
- TCBC — The Country’s Best Colonics. They can’t explain the need for the tube to be clear, but it’s no longer dipped in ice water first!
- Anchor Green — All those Kyrgyzstani sweatshops are now environmentally friendly, so you can shop guilt free!
- The Vegan Butcher – (Psst. We have to name our empty shops something. This economy, coupled with our constant floods and playground fires is really taking its toll. Formerly: Mervyn’s).
- What Cheney wants, Cheney gets.
- Plane attacks: if they can, we can.
- Vegans for Palin: The government that governs yeast, governs best.
- I’m with Leno. Those clowns in Washington are clowns.
…New TV Show Premises
- Love is in the air when a kooky conservative horns in on a button down liberal. “She’s a Fox!”
- Starring Greta van Susteren.
- He’s big. He’s hairy. He’s sasquatch … and he’s locking up criminals? “Bigfoot With a Badge,” Thursdays on ABC.
- “Real World vs Road Rules vs Survivor vs The Amazing Race vs Simon Cowell vs Lions.” TBS. We know dismemberment.
- Remember that Jack Black movie you loved in high school, “School of Rock?” Well now its back, minus Jack Black, and dumbed down even further to accommodate a network TV audience. David Spade IS Jack Black “School of Rock: the College Years.”
- Whatever f***ing season it is that gives us 60 degree weather in the second week of February.