The Biz on Careers and Majors

Ello all you students out there. From freshmen to seniors, young to old (mind, I like mine young), welcome back. Anyway, It’s Aunty Lyds here, doin’ the rounds as it were, and I’ve been getting’ the biz on choosin’ majors.

I know for some of you it’s a bit early for figuring out what you’re doing here, but take it from me freshmen, it’s never too early to figure out your major or career. First things first, you should choose to do something you love, or at least enjoy doing. In England yer only required to go to school till you’re 16 years old, so that’s when I left. It just didn’t sit well, know what I mean? I wanted to be a performer on the stages of London. I’d done me time and wanted a life of glitz, glamour and rave theater reviews. Further education was not on my to-do list. You’ve got to know what you want and enjoy doing it.

15 years, a fizzled cabaret career and countless party favors later (if you know what I mean), I realized that being able to apply a killer lip-line, tie cherry stalks in my mouth and knowing every Rodgers and Hammerstein lyric by heart was not doing anything for my big come-back. Saggy mamms and an obsession with Southern Comfort don’t help either. Shame.

So, after a couple of D.U.I’s, a near miss with the local pigs and a falling-out with my favorite stalker, I found myself across the pond and here in Utah of all places, and the first thing that catches my eye on I-15 is a billboard for UVU (UVSC as was). At first I thought, isn’t college a place for young men and women to get some education? Then I backed up to the thought of young men gettin’ some and thought, yes UVU is the place for me, and has been for a few years since.

One thing all you freshmen need to do is sort yerself an advisor, someone who’s going to do right by you and find all the pertinent info you need to have the success you deserve. The advising center here at UVU has a nice little selection, and if you don’t find what you want, every subject you might want to choose has a department and advisors of their own. Really grill these people, most of you are payin’ for this service so get yer money’s worth and don’t leave yer future to chance. Never mind the bollocks, take my advice and do the hell out of UVU. Time’s about up now, and by the way, does anyone want to take math 800 for me? It’s givin’ me proper conniptions.
Laters all, lav ya bum.

Lydia Colt is a satirical writer for The V.

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