The CleanFlicks Treatment

Andrew and Josh’s film chronicles the rise and fall of the CleanFlicks empire. But it’s a real shame CleanFlicks is not around anymore, because we still need them. There are plenty of movies that could use the CleanFlicks technique to make them morally suitable for viewing.

It’s shameful the way this movie glorifies single motherhood. And all throughout Bambi’s childhood, his father, the Great Prince of the Forest, is free to preen and prance around the woods, nailing every hoofed harlot he gallops into. Disgraceful. Airbrushing the Great Prince into the first half of the movie and Bambi’s mother into the last half, would go a long way towards making this movie palatable to the rest of us.

Saturday’s Warrior
This film is supposedly an LDS classic, but it definitely needs the CleanFlicks touch. I don’t know what your pre-existence was like, but mine was certainly not spent in the midst of fog machines and loose-fitting clothing, talking casually about abortions. Skip all that, start the film on earth.

The Virgin Suicides
My problem here is with part of the title. Some of it is okay, but there are those two words that are just… troublesome. Strike out those two words, and we’ve got a movie title.

Pulp Fiction
Picture it. It’s Monday night, family home evening. You’ve put away Parcheesi, and are just settling down for a wholesome family film. You’re enjoying the fine, signature work of Mr. Tarantino, when suddenly your eyes and modest sensibilities come under assault.  It’s John Travolta and he’s dancing the Batusi. Unconscionable. Take it out, I prefer my sexuality unquestioned, thank you very much.

Alas CleanFlicks, now cracks a noble heart. Good-night, sweet prince; and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

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