Love. Emotions. Feelings. All things I normally deny that I have or have had, or want. After my marriage ended my heart filled with bitterness, resentment and animosity. I stopped believing in happily-ever-afters, soul mates and true love.
I had lost hope of ever finding love. And in return I have created a sabotage monster. No matter how good, how blissful, how perfect, how magical a relationship was, I would ruin it. I’d runaway, play the blame game, be a difficult silly girl, be a crazy stalker, keep picking the wrong guy over and over, or do something so foolish that I would never deserve a second chance.
I have dated some of the most caring, loving, respectable guys out there. Most of them truly did care about me but I had to go and destroy it beyond repair and tell myself he was lying or pretending. And the rest of them didn’t care and I convinced myself that they did and stayed too long and gave too many chances.
As I sit alone in my apartment, I see that this is a repeating pattern.
The question is, why? Why do I do this?
There never is a good answer, because I have never gotten down to the truth. After all these mistakes the only real lesson I’ve learned is to be honest. Be honest with them. Be honest with myself.
And honestly, I’m scared to death. I’m terrified of love. I’m afraid my poor heart can’t take another beating. I’m fearful of picking the wrong person again. I’m terrified that my love will leave me.
But what I want most is to witness someone else’s life and he witness mine, create magical moments, hold hands through the good and bad and to always want to be there.
In order to find my soul mate I can’t let out the sabotage monster. I must be willing to take the risk, be honest and listen to my heart. I finally have hope that he is out there. I know that I am worth it. And I won’t stop. I won’t ever settle again until I find love and am loved in return. I want a love so strong that it can’t be broken, not even with a thousand swords.
By Elyse Taylor
The V Designer