Good news, ladies: I’m officially on the market. Let me be the first to tell you that an opportunity like this doesn’t come around every day. And I’m not going to let a little thing like humility get in the way of my telling you how awesome I am.
I’m a catch. Sure, I’ve been around the carousel a few times — I had TWO serious girlfriends in high school — but I’d say I’m no worse for the wear. In fact, I’d say if anything, those regrettable parts of my past have rendered me a more forgiving person. I think I might even be OK with a girl who’s kissed another guy. Open-minded, right?
But enough about you, my potential spouse. I should probably tell you just why it is that I’m the most qualified fellow around. Maybe work on convincing you about why you should dream of one day having me size you up for a wedding band. That is, if you’ve somehow avoided becoming convinced thus far.
Oh, I don’t mean convinced by me. You will be, soon enough, when I start off on my list of stellar personal traits and accomplishments, but don’t pretend you weren’t keen on the idea from the get go. The anxiety of single life is no small obstacle, I’m sure you’ve realized. No one wants to die alone.
And there are other things that come much sooner and more inevitably than death. Can you bear the social degradation of a blind date even once more? Can you endure the journey through another quagmire of personals? Can you stand the rejection of answering machines and unreturned calls? I’m guessing you can’t.
It’s about time you had some validation in your life, and it sure as hell isn’t coming from dredging through minimum wage tedium to pay for school. Is there any better way to feel like a complete human being than deciding that one other human being is all you need to feel complete for the rest of your life? If that human being is me, then of course not.
If for some patently absurd reason you’re still uncomfortable with the prospect of finally being serious about a relationship, though, I’ve got to ask: Why? Are you afraid you aren’t qualified to make a decision that will have potent ramifications for the rest of your life? If so, I assure you, you’re as capable now of deciding what will be best for you 20 years from now as you will be in 20 years.
And if there’s any sort of decision that can only benefit from being legally binding, it’s got to be relationship decisions. After all, it’s not every day that a person changes their mind about what they want in a relationship, because it’s not every day that a person changes who they are. Sure as shooting, I’m the same guy today I was 20 years ago, and I’ll still be that guy in another 20. If there’s anything you should really commit to, it’s something as static and resolute as another human being. Realistically, that’s the best thing you can hope for in a significant other: complete stagnation.
And ladies, I’ve got plenty of that.