Hey buddy, Jonny Poole here. Just wanted to drop a quick line to you and all the other Utah natives out there so that there’s no confusion in the upcoming months. See, now that In ‘N Out Burger is officially constructing locations in Utah, I know it must be tough to remember that you’re not actually from California. I get it, you really wish you were, and all of us that really are from California can understand how much that must suck, but you gotta let it go. As your friend, and just between you and me, it’s starting to get a little sad.

I mean, remember when you told that cute girl that you were from San Diego, even though you’d only visited for six weeks that one summer to sell pest control? Or how about that time you borrowed my Rainbow sandals in December and almost got frostbite because, in your words, “That’s how we roll in the OC”?  It’s not, by the way, and don’t call it that.

While we’re on the subject, plastering your ’98 Corolla with Volcom bumper stickers wasn’t even cool ten years ago and snowboarding isn’t “exactly like surfing, but on snow.” But then, you’ve never actually been to San Onofre, have you? Incidentally, isn’t it painfully ironic and vaguely pathetic that your Hollister shirt with the “Newport Beach” graphic on the front was actually purchased at Provo Towne Centre? Answer: Yes.

In a way, though, the not-so-subtle mimicry is a nice ego boost for us California natives that currently call Utah home, imitation being the sincerest form of flattery and all. Sure, you guys get all the trends and fads about 6 months after they’ve worn out their welcome on the coast, but the frenzied desperation with which you adopt them is kind of cute, you know, in a creepy, pitiable way.

But seriously, you gotta chill out a little bit. Sure, we like being adored, but there’s a limit. So stand proud, Utahns. Remember who you are. You’re home to a basketball team that consistently loses to a superior team from California and drivers that make Los Angeles commuters seem sane! You don’t need In ‘N Out, you’ve got that zany restaurant where you order food over the phone instead of in person. That place is cool, right? Right? Sincerely, That Guy From California.