The house of representatives passed the climate change bill last week, and I am very upset about it. Come on, people, this passes now? Now is not the time to start caring about the environment. It’s already over. We’re screwed. The end is extremely nigh.

Just try to stay gluttonous, while the gluttony’s good, that’s what I say. Passing the ecological tipping point sounds like an excellent reason to tip a few back. Good thing I don’t have kids to worry about.

But actually, maybe, there is nothing to worry about. I mean, Al Gore, can you really trust that exaggerating hypocrite? With his inconvenient electric bill? And the jury on this “science” is still out. A generation ago we were talking about global cooling, pshaw. Can we really afford to gamble our very way of life on the pseudo-prophecy coming out of that nerd’s pink, puffy face?

And even if those scienticians were right, they still fail to factor something in: God gave us dominion over the earth; to fill and to rule. The way I see it, we are rock stars in the hotel that hath been provided unto us. That makes it my moral duty to throw the proverbial TV out the window. His will, done.

But really, I just find it amazing that this bill was passed. Some say it goes too far. But my granola-munching girlfriend and I think just the opposite: this legislation doesn’t go too far enough! Sure, scaling back the ‘standards’ in the “first world standard of living” sounds rough.

But believe me, once you give up toilet paper for the earthy nature of your left hand, you’ll wonder how you ever did without. Or with, I mean. With.

Oh, but ha! These extreme positions are so laughable. Nihilistic fatalism, Al Gore hatred, religious justification, and mindless hippieism. Lucky for us, no one adopts any of these positions, and so there exists no reason to shift our behavior. Keep the change, Obama. We’ve got status quo.