Out with the old... and out with the new. Photo illustration by Bryan Worthen

Out with the old... and out with the new. Photo illustration by Bryan Worthen

It is the year two thousand and ten, in the far-flung future of a distant past.  Armed gangs of criminals run the streets of the nation’s largest cities.  Democracy has become gridlocked as partisan politics thinly veil the machinations of the politicians’ corporate overlords. The poor have no voice, the rich have no souls, and the middle class has become thoroughly distracted from worldly issues by the repurchasing of their childhoods in DVD form. An African-American has been elected president, and deli-grade salami prices have edged up to $6.99 a pound. The world is in chaos.

It is against this sunny backdrop that we give you the first Top Four Top Fours of the New Year. Enjoy!

Top Four Neglected Resolutions

1. Stop rehashing Michael Scott quotes at your real-life office. Everyone saw the same episode you did.

2. Make the switch from canned to boxed wine in an effort to class up your act.

3. Start using the orange flags at crosswalks for their intended purpose, rather than pretending to direct air traffic.

4. Discontinue trolling for dates at the local hospice, despite your desire to avoid long-term commitment.

Top Four Reasons for Cautious Optimism This Semester

1. The school cafeteria’s new “Keep Your Communicable Diseases to Yourself” policy.

2. Math department attrition rates are at an all time record same.

3. President Holland has a feel for the job now, and is probably a little over-confident. Watch for cracks in the armor, and laugh (or weep) as the mighty fall.

4. In March, in Moab, the beer flows like wine.

Top Four Extreme Sports to be Popularized in the Year to Come

1. Freebase Jumping – Like base jumping, but way more chill.

2. Wile E. Roller Derby – Four words: Acme Brand Rocket Skates

3. Rural Parkour – Trees ‘n shit.

4. Extreme Tax Evasion – Nobody notices a golden parachute if its flying out of an airplane.

Top Four Three Musketeers

1. Porthos

2. Aramis

3. Athos

4. D’ Artagnan