..New Mall Franchises

  1. Scientologiez. They interview you, take readings on ridiculous meters, and then hold you hostage the rest of your life by threatening to reveal your darkest secrets — all in the latest skater styles!
  2. TCBC — The Country’s Best Colonics. They can’t explain the need for the tube to be clear, but it’s no longer dipped in ice water first!
  3. Anchor Green — All those Kyrgyzstani sweatshops are now environmentally friendly, so you can shop guilt free!
  4. The Vegan Butcher – (Psst. We have to name our empty shops something. This economy, coupled with our constant floods and playground fires is really taking its toll. Formerly: Mervyn’s).

..Political Catchphrases

  1. What Cheney wants, Cheney gets.
  2. Plane attacks: if they can, we can.
  3. Vegans for Palin: The government that governs yeast, governs best.
  4. I’m with Leno. Those clowns in Washington are clowns.

…New TV Show Premises

  1. Love is in the air when a kooky conservative horns in on a button down liberal. “She’s a Fox!”
  2. Starring Greta van Susteren.
  3. He’s big. He’s hairy. He’s sasquatch … and he’s locking up criminals? “Bigfoot With a Badge,” Thursdays on ABC.
  4. “Real World vs Road Rules vs Survivor vs The Amazing Race vs Simon Cowell vs Lions.” TBS. We know dismemberment.
  5. Remember that Jack Black movie you loved in high school, “School of Rock?” Well now its back, minus Jack Black, and dumbed down even further to accommodate a network TV audience.  David Spade IS Jack Black “School of Rock: the College Years.”


  1. Fall
  2. Spring
  3. Summer
  4. Whatever f***ing season it is that gives us 60 degree weather in the second week of February.