Pitch you tent. We're all adults here. courtesy of sxc.hu

Pitch you tent. We're all adults here. courtesy of sxc.hu

If you’re anything like me, you have codependency issues, stay awake all night questioning your own existence and are on the lookout for a toaster. Oh, and you also love summer camping! And because I love camping during the summer months (and the fall, winter, and spring months), I consider myself highly qualified to give all 29,000 of you camping advice … FOR FREE. It’s your lucky day, folks!

Camping Tip #1: Don’t expect nature to look like the nature you see on television shows, such as reruns of “Full House.”

We all remember the episode where Uncle Jesse is filming some sort of commercial in the woods. Well, that’s not what actual nature looks like. Actual nature has actual rocks and actual trees and actual woodland creatures and, sadly, no actual John Stamos in a leather jacket. Not usually, at least.

Camping Tip #2: Don’t forget to bring your sleeping bag.

Or better yet, bring your futon. Nothing says a relaxing night’s sleep better than a futon haphazardly placed in between a fire pit and a Port-o-Potty.

Speaking of potties … Camping Tip #3: Be OK with squatting.

Sometimes you will go camping with — get this — NO FLUSHING TOILETS. Yeah, apparently bathrooms don’t naturally exist in the mountains; well, at least not the bathrooms we’re used to. Instead of causing a bladder infection by holding in all of that booze, er, reverse osmosis water you’ve been drinking, go ahead and squat (for girls) or drain the dog (for boys). Once you’ve used nature’s toilet, you’ll never go back.

Camping Tip #4: Bring some booze.

Perhaps booze isn’t your thing. Perhaps you are more, let’s say, responsible. Then go ahead and bring some reverse osmosis hot cocoa or something. But for the rest of you heathens, let loose and bring a brewsky or two and enjoy puking in a bird’s nest or rabbit hole or other wildlife domicile. And don’t tipsily fall into the fire! Only you can prevent drunken falling-into-fire incidents.

Well, I hope these tips will help you the next time you are in need of some carefully thought-out camping tips. If you’re anything like me, they haven’t helped out a bit, but hopefully you’re not like me. Hopefully you have a toaster.