Astrology is defined by Webster as “the divination of the supposed influences of the stars and planets on human affairs and terrestrial events by their positions and aspects,” and should be considered when studying world religions.
In one way or another, astrology has found its way from Aztec culture (the dudes that give us ‘til 2012 before Armageddon), to ancient Chinese religious schools of thought, as well as Egyptian and even Jewish (and thus Christian)schools of thought. The term astrology in the modern world typically calls to most minds silly predictions called horoscopes printed in newspapers somewhere between the gossip section and the classifieds.
This isn’t to say that some folks aren’t sincere about the things they translate from the stars, but let’s face it, most horoscopes these days detail cheesy comments about one’s love life that an individual could just as well receive from a fortune cookie. In the spirit of this idea, I’ve decided to share with you what I have divined from the heavens.
Aries — Face it; her boyfriend’s Porsche is much cooler than your Schwinn.
Taurus — The stars are temporarily out of service for Taurus. Please try again later.
Gemini — Its time to get rid of that mullet and mustache duo. No, seriously.
Cancer — Please Insert 75 cents.
Leo — So your roommate forgot to pack chocolate pudding in your lunch for the third day straight; take a walk with your roommate and let her know how her actions make you feel.
Virgo — No amount of online-checkers wins will ever get you that high paying job.
Libra — You left the stove on this morning.
Scorpio — If you file your tax returns this week, the IRS guy might leave you alone.
Sagittarius — Smile and greet people today. Give your local “V” writer a hug and some brownies.
Capricorn — For the record, Mom does not count when you brag to your little brother about how many girls you’ve kissed, even if such a statement does double the amount.
Aquarius — Stay clear of abandoned mine shafts. And accountants named Alfred.
Pisces — That 3 month online romance will finally work out if you don’t read your horoscope this week!
Well folks, I hope the stars serve you well.
