Jesse Ruins Jesse: When life’s lemons squirt you in the eye

Editors Note: This article may contain graphic/detailed information unsuitable for some readership.

I have looked over and rewrote this article 700 times; feeling like it is either not good enough or not conveying the message I seek to express. That alone, in itself, is my message: Sometimes nothing is ever good enough.

Here I am, in my second to last semester of college. As it was starting, I approached it with great confidence and due diligence that I would destroy it, having good grades and a sense of involvement. I felt unstoppable. However, life sometimes hands you lemons, and has another plan for you. At least, for me it did.

Earlier this semester, I wrote about my divorce and how I plead for students to not take the same destructive road that I took. Well, I minimized how painful that was for me. It was, in fact, one of the most difficult things I have ever experienced in my life. As my wife and I remain separated, in this Purgatory to  nd out what’s to happen next, I continue to see my kids… maybe once or twice a week, for an hour or so at a time, if I’m lucky. That’s hard.

When we started the process, it was an “a-ha” moment, where we could see clearly and had weight lifted off our shoulders. It seemed nice and refreshing at  first. As time went on, I started to realize I was losing my other half, my family and my life. It was then that my grades started to be affected, and my quality of work with the positions I held on campus. I am now realizing that I was developing depression and have been dragging my feet around campus.

As the depression started to facilitate inside of me, the weeks dragged on. Every day felt as if I was trapped in a personal hell, and that nothing I did mattered, or was good enough. I lost sight of hope, faith and my personal value/sense of belonging. I hurt extremely bad, every single damn day. So, I did what I thought was best: I tried to kill myself, on two separate occasions, back-to-back.

I tried to kill myself, twice. The happiest and friendliest guy who walks the campus halls wasn’t the happiest guy. Imagine that.

On both occasions, I took an excessive amount of muscle relaxers and alcohol, thinking I would put myself to sleep and not wake up. I figured, it would hurt less to not wake up and face my problems anymore. I felt I had created problems that I couldn’t resolve, no matter how hard I tried.

I express this problem, because, I know that I am not alone out there. My fellow students, if you are experiencing any type of emotional pain, please know a few things.

First and foremost, no matter what the situation, you are not the problem, and it probably has a resolution that involves keeping your life, no matter how undesired the outcome is. I’m now realizing that things will come to pass and eventually be okay.

Second, know that you are not alone. There are people who feel what you feel, and they should be talked to. If that’s not enough, remind yourself that this is Utah County, and people are friendly as can be out here. A surprising amount of people reached out to and for me when word got passed around, and you always can find a friend in me to do the same. Shoot me an email, I will respond.

Lastly, remember that there are services here. If you need help, call 911 immediately. Otherwise, you can visit the Student Health Services office. Their information is posted below.

 

Please know that this wasn’t easy to talk about and I did not do so to seek attention. After my experiences, I had a realization that as a student leader I should reach out and utilize the form of power I have to assist others in crisis. Please remember, it’s always darkest before the storm. When the storm hits it’s the most ugly. However, the most clear and beautiful day comes after the storm.

The Student Health Services office is located at SC221 and is open M-F from 8:00am to 5:00pm.

3 thoughts on “Jesse Ruins Jesse: When life’s lemons squirt you in the eye

  1. Great writing Jesse!! I admire your strength and enjoy watching you grow. Life throws curveball but nothing lady forever 🙂

  2. Wow, what a brave thing you’ve done. Thank you so much for writing this article and for your willingness to open up like this. I sincerely hope you will continue to reach out when you need help. Take care of yourself because you are needed.

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