I wish I could feel sentimental when I hear Christmas music like everyone else seems to, but all I can seem to feel is nausea. Let me explain by taking you back to 1992, when for Christmas my brother and I received a CD player and our very own CDs. My brother, a hard rock fan (which didn’t set well in my conservative family) was given the new Billy Ray Cyrus (Miley’s dad) album featuring his hit “Achy Breaky Heart” and I was given the Home Alone 2 soundtrack. Sweet! Just what I always wanted … or something. The soundtrack is full of awesome songs like “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Alan Jackson, “Cool Jerk” by The Capitols and my personal least-favorite, “Sleigh Ride” by rap trio TLC. In the spirit of my parents’ promulgation of bad holiday music, here’s my list of the worst of the rest of AWFUL Christmas songs:

10. Rosie O’Donnell put out not one but TWO Christmas CDs. Picking a least favorite song of these is like picking a least favorite Jonas Brother … I hate them all so much. It’s impossible to decide.
9. “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth” by Alvin and the Chipmunks is what Satan has playing in his lobby in Hell during the holidays.
8. “Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)” by John Denver has about as much holiday cheer as the Holocaust.
7. “8 Days of Christmas” by Destiny’s Child (AKA Beyonce and those other two girls) asks the question, “Doesn’t it feel like Christmas?” about 30 times in the chorus. It must be a rhetorical question.
6. “The Happy Elf” by Harry Connick  Jr. makes me wish he’d stick to acting and leave Christmas alone.
5. “I Wish Everyday Could Be Like Christmas” by Bon Jovi would be better if it were remade by Jon Bovi, the Bon Jovi opposite cover band from Saturday Night Live, and then called “You know never will be like April Fools Day.” This assumes of course that the opposite of Christmas is April Fools Day.
4. “Blue Christmas” by Porky Pig makes me wish swine flu had been around when this song was first released.
3. “Feliz Navidad” by Jose Feliciano is a song people can hate in multiple languages.
2. “I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” by Gayla Peevey was recorded when she was 10 years old. Not since Dennis the Menace has one child ruined the lives of so many others.
1. “Jingle Bells” performed by barking dogs. This is cruelty to animals and humans. I’m with PETA on this one.

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To perpetuate the known cliche that laughter is the best medicine, here’s my top 10 wits of all time.

1. Oscar Wilde, who on his deathbed was heard to say, “Either those curtains go, or I do.”

2. Samuel Beckett – “We are all born mad, some remain so.”

3. Stephen Fry – “Many people would no more think of entering journalism than the sewage business – which at least does us all some good.”

4. Dorothy Parker– “Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.”

5. Samuel Clemens, A.K.A. Mark Twain – “An author values a compliment even when it comes from a source of doubtful competency.”

6. Groucho Marx – “From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed in laughter. Someday I intend reading it.”

7. Ellen Degeneres – “I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.”

8. Woody Allen – “My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.”

9. Jon Stewart – “The democrats seem to be the kind of people who switch to Geico and lose money.”

10. Steven Colbert – “Many states don’t allow the sale of fireworks. Well, to me, it is not the Fourth of July until I’m rolling on the ground, screaming for somebody to put me out.”

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1. “Look, when I was a kid, I inhaled frequently. That was the point.”
2. My job is not to represent Washington to you, but to represent you to Washington.
3. I honor — we honor — the service of John McCain, and I respect his many accomplishments, even if he chooses to deny mine.
4. You can put lipstick on a pig. It’s still a pig.
5. “I don’t want to be invited to the family hunting party.” ~Obama responding to revelations that he and Dick Cheney are eighth cousins.
6. Money is not the only answer, but it makes a difference.
7. “I’ve been called worse on the basketball court.”

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