Who needs horoscopes when you’ve got cars?

The type of car you drive can say a lot about you or what you want people to think about you. When someone drives a large German sedan or an exotic sports car, they are telling the world that they make a six figure income (or maybe they have three mortgages). When someone drives a beat-up Ford POS, they probably don’t make six figures (or maybe it’s paid off and they don’t care what others think about them).

What do the cars on the college campus say about the people who drive them? There are no scientific studies, but here are some educated guesses.

Toyota Prius: Trying to save the world by reducing greenhouse gases and slowing the effect of global warming – or is that climate change? I hear the earth is cooling down now so they had to change the name. All I know is that it rained a lot in June and July this year. I figure the politicians and wars will ruin the world before pollution has its chance.

Subaru Outback: What the Prius owner used to drive before they realized all-wheel-drive (AWD) was detrimental to gas mileage.

Beat up 20 year-old mini-van: A hand-me-down family vehicle. Don’t be embarrassed. Just save your money to buy a sweet car after graduation or when you are a junior and the trusty ole mini-van has gone to its last soccer game in the sky.

Chevrolet Corvette: Must be a professor going through a midlife crisis and it was easier to talk the wife into the Corvette than talk to the doctor about Viagra. Besides, how many students can afford a new Corvette? Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen a Corvette on campus.

Volkswagen Jetta: Daddy’s little princess or a metrosexual posing as a car enthusiast. Don’t modify it too much or you can say bye-bye to your transmission.

Volkswagen Golf/GTI: A business student aspiring to own a BMW M5 one day. Same basic car as a Jetta, but the Hot-Hatch body style doesn’t carry the same stigma.

Toyota Corolla: Reliable, safe and, most of all, boring. This is someone who wants to make to their destination without any drama (or fun or break-down).

Honda Civic: Reliable and safe like a Corolla, but fun to drive, especially the top of the line Si model with miniature F1-like handling that rewards with over 30 mpg.

Mazda 3: See Civic above, except they are someone who doesn’t want a Civic like everyone else has.

Subaru WRX/STI and Mitsubishi EVO: A car enthusiast that loves chasing down exotic sports cars in the summer and four-wheel drifts through the Utah snow in the winter.

Nissan 240SX or Toyota AE-86 Corolla: This is the guy that drifts his car on the weekend and doesn’t care what it looks like. If you knock a bumper or a fender off, it just means the car is lighter. Who cares? It’s probably missing most of the interior anyway.

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