How to not suck at sucking face: The kissing guide you always wished you had

How to not suck at sucking face: The kissing guide you always wished you had
illustration by Jordy Kirkman/ UVU Review

illustration by Jordy Kirkman/ UVU Review

Let’s be honest. One of the best parts of dating is getting to kiss on the lips. We all think about it – some of us more than others. It is key to the success of virtually any romantic relationship. There’s so much more to it than pressing your lips against those of another person while wildly moving your head around, mouths agape in an attempt to eat each other’s insides. A good kiss is an art form, and as such, requires some preparation and thought.

And that, my friends, brings us to the advice: How to not suck at sucking face.

The basic premise of kissing obviously entails the touching of lips. To make this experience as pleasurable for both parties as possible, make sure that your lips aren’t the texture of sandpaper. There are a few things you can do to prep your lips for duty. Here are just a few to take into consideration.

1. Chapstick – Use it. Enough said.

2. Shaving – Yeah, the ladies tell us that the scruff is sexy. But if you plan on some extended kissing, it’s pretty much a guarantee that you’re going to leave your partner with a trail of post-lovin’ beard rash. Be courteous and ask her how she feels about facial hair – every girl is different.

3. Exfoliate – You can exfoliate your lips to get rid of dead skin, making them plump, juicy and irresistible. Just take a pinch of sugar in one hand, and get a finger wet with your other hand. Put a few drops of water into the sugar until it looks like a paste and then apply it in a circular motion to your lips. When you’re done, clean them off and bam, you’ve got yourself dessert.

Alright, now your lips are prepped and ready to go. The next step is to seal the deal.

You can’t score any worthwhile lip action if you are a distant, unapproachable person. Never again shake the hand of a person of the opposite sex. Turn in your handshake for a solid hug. Break that touch barrier.

If she doesn’t mind you touching her leg, or having your arm around her waist, your chances of making it to a prolonged mouth touch vastly increases. If she pulls away, however, you know you need to change your game.

Once you get the hang of the touch thing, pat yourself on the back. You’re flirting!

Fellas, initiating the approach is traditionally your job. Do not, I repeat, do not lead with the tongue or an open mouth. Nothing stops the make out train faster than a good look at the approaching tunnel housing your tonsils and every silver plated filling since you lost your last baby.

Take her by the nape of the neck or the chin and pull her in slowly. I hear they like that kind of thing. Get her close. Then wait.

Keep waiting.

Make her want it.

Unfortunately, all too often the anticipation for the kiss is even more exciting than the kiss itself.

When you’re confident that she wants it, go for it.

Congratulations, you kissed a girl. Now keep kissing! Don’t shut your brain down because you’ve achieved your goal.

The best kissers are both inventive and responsive. Pay attention to how your partner kisses you. It’s likely that she is kissing you the way she likes to be kissed. Proceed in like fashion.

And there you have it, from start to finish. With practice you can be the best darn snogger in Utah Valley. And maybe, one day, the student will become the master.

2 Responses to "How to not suck at sucking face: The kissing guide you always wished you had"

  1. Sheri Bell-Rehwoldt   December 6, 2009 at 12:36 am

    Nate, you kill me! HA!

    Sad to tell you this, but your statement of “Unfortunately, all too often the anticipation for the kiss is even more exciting that the kiss itself” applies to just about everything in life. When we make someone so big, so monumental in our mind, there’s no way reality can ever measure up.

    Chocolate cake is a perfect example. A cake can sit there, perhaps in all of its six or seven layer glory, totally tantalizing you with its seeming perfection. Rarely, however, does it deliver the gooey, fudgey, springy concoction I’m aching for. And so my quest continues — as does yours for the perfect kiss. 😉

    Do keep filling us in on your progress to become the “best darn snogger in Utah Valley”!!! HA!

    Reply
  2. Cyril Maciak   March 25, 2010 at 7:39 am

    Thank you for this excelent post! It’s top quality. I have been visiting your website for a long time already and it’s the first time I comment. Keep up the excelent job and keep delivering the best value!

    Reply

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