How to have an anti-Valentine’s Day

For those of us who are single, February 14th can be the bane of existence. While couples may represent a minority of the population, their celebrations of togetherness represent the entirety of the public domain. That is why, several years ago, I hit on a tradition to bring joy to the Lonely Hearts Club.

Whether you’re lonely, bitter, stuck in a relationship that’s “complicated” or just want to make Valentine’s Day a little different from a normal Monday, this plan has its advantages.

Step 1: Go for broke. Buy up as much junk food as your pancreas can take. Pizza, fruity drinks, ice cream and candy are just a few suggestions. Great deals can be had if you don’t mind the packaging with hearts all over it.

Step 2: Get friends together. Snap up other Lonely Hearts, people with nothing to do, the embittered souls and newly dumped. Couples may be allowed provided they’ve been together for a while and are over the fluffy stage AND if they agree to sit in separate corners.

Step 3: Movies, movies, movies. This step has room to move because it’s really up to you and your attitude about your anti-Valentine’s Day. Watch action flicks like old Bruce Lee movies or horror and zombie ones, but make sure that there’s either no romance, or if there is, that the couples get eaten. You could also try watching lovey-dovey flicks and make fun of them. How many times do the actors walk by the same car? What lines prove the writers were so drunk that they stopped caring? Watch as a crying Hermione sends those bird thingies flying at Ron’s head. It’s all good. The humor and cheesiness is there to behold and is in need of a reality check. So give it one!

Step 4: Go out and have fun with a little insanity thrown in for good measure. Getting out of the house is a great way to spend V-Day eve. Head to Wal-Mart and toss a ball around or ride Razor scooters through the aisles. Grab towels and pretend to be super heroes out to rid the world of Nacho Libre. Maybe go test-drive some cars. It’s a lot of fun. Grab some Jamba Juice and sit in the aisles at Barnes & Noble reading your favorite childhood books – you know, the ones you read when you believed that love still existed (just kidding … mostly). The point is to go out and have a blast, whether it’s with yourself or with friends.

Whatever you do, don’t call your parents. They’ll either bug you for your lack of a better half or give you nauseating encouragement as to how to find “that special someone.”

Blech.

No. This is your day and you spend it having fun. Every year, I skip school or take the day off from work to better cruise this day of love, and I say, “Fine, I’m going to LOVE having fun.” Get out there and party!!!

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