Eating at In ‘N Out Doesn’t Make You a Californian

Hey buddy, Jonny Poole here. Just wanted to drop a quick line to you and all the other Utah natives out there so that there’s no confusion in the upcoming months. See, now that In ‘N Out Burger is officially constructing locations in Utah, I know it must be tough to remember that you’re not actually from California. I get it, you really wish you were, and all of us that really are from California can understand how much that must suck, but you gotta let it go. As your friend, and just between you and me, it’s starting to get a little sad.

I mean, remember when you told that cute girl that you were from San Diego, even though you’d only visited for six weeks that one summer to sell pest control? Or how about that time you borrowed my Rainbow sandals in December and almost got frostbite because, in your words, “That’s how we roll in the OC”?  It’s not, by the way, and don’t call it that.

While we’re on the subject, plastering your ’98 Corolla with Volcom bumper stickers wasn’t even cool ten years ago and snowboarding isn’t “exactly like surfing, but on snow.” But then, you’ve never actually been to San Onofre, have you? Incidentally, isn’t it painfully ironic and vaguely pathetic that your Hollister shirt with the “Newport Beach” graphic on the front was actually purchased at Provo Towne Centre? Answer: Yes.

In a way, though, the not-so-subtle mimicry is a nice ego boost for us California natives that currently call Utah home, imitation being the sincerest form of flattery and all. Sure, you guys get all the trends and fads about 6 months after they’ve worn out their welcome on the coast, but the frenzied desperation with which you adopt them is kind of cute, you know, in a creepy, pitiable way.

But seriously, you gotta chill out a little bit. Sure, we like being adored, but there’s a limit. So stand proud, Utahns. Remember who you are. You’re home to a basketball team that consistently loses to a superior team from California and drivers that make Los Angeles commuters seem sane! You don’t need In ‘N Out, you’ve got that zany restaurant where you order food over the phone instead of in person. That place is cool, right? Right? Sincerely, That Guy From California.

18 Responses to "Eating at In ‘N Out Doesn’t Make You a Californian"

  1. Billy Bedlam   October 5, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    Really? Why would purchasing Hollister shirts in Provo be “painfully ironic?” The company and it’s 1922 history is ficticious. The first store opened in OHIO. OHIO. It’s owned by Amercombie & Fitch (ALSO HEADQUARTERED IN OHIO). I think that is much, much more horrible that Californian’s are wearing fake California shirts from an Ohio Company. Nothing says surf-life to me like the great farm land of Ohio… And for the record, it is “In-N-Out” not “In ‘N Out” You’d think a Californian would know that. (Yes, Utah drivers are bad, but really until “your people” can drive in the rain without crashing, and drive in snow without causing 10 car pile-ups on the freeway, you shouldn’t say anything) Also, Volcom started to cater to Skate, Surf and SNOWBOARDING…so while a plastered Corolla is still wrong, they could be snowboarders and don’t need your ocean to have the stickers. You are an entertaining writer, please gift us with more of your wisdom soon!

    Reply
  2. Dean Deluca   October 5, 2009 at 7:56 pm

    Billy,

    You are a fool. The history of Hollister is irrelevant at best; the irony comes from the company’s choice to plaster their clothing with the names of Southern California cities. If you are trying to impress us with your intimate knowledge of clothing brands, you have failed.

    Also, if you were attempting sarcasm at the end of your comment, you failed at that too. Complementing the person you are trying to argue against is not the most effective form of debate, you dumb douche.

    Reply
  3. Corwin Fife   October 5, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    The people that I see causing 10 car pile-ups are all morons from Price or Pleasant Grove who think that 4 wheel drive on their stupidly big trucks means that they can drive however they want.

    Reply
  4. Billy Bedlam   October 5, 2009 at 9:47 pm

    Dean, what article are you reading? The irony AS STATED IN THE ARTICLE is that Utahns buy Hollister clothing from the Provo mall. Take a break from douching and read the article. There isn’t any intimate clothing brand knowlege, ease up on the pot. Corwin, you are right, plenty of people drive 4×4 with no idea how it works… but then again, why do people in California BUY 4×4, in case the driveway has wet leaves on it? Honestly, the funniest thing I’ve seen was a Cali-plated rear-wheel drive car fishtail down an aisle in a parking lot bouncing off every 2-3 parked cars on each side of the road and then slide into a curb. No ice, just 1/2 of snow (no Hollister or Volcom stickers either) And Corwin, you forgot West Provo, Spanish Fork and Payson 🙂

    Reply
  5. shabz   October 6, 2009 at 1:28 am

    oh man, everyone please get overthemselves. in-n-out isn’t even that good. everyone knows the best burger stand on the west coast is dicks.

    Reply
  6. Anony   October 6, 2009 at 3:43 pm

    Lived in Cali for several years. Ate at in-n-out many times. Surf and snowboard. Dude, go back to Cali if you can’t stand it here. You think you are the first one to make a clever point on all these so called facts, but you’re just like all the other insecure haters from Cali. Who cares if someone wants to make their car ugly with stickers, any bumper sticker on a car is ghetto. So what if someone buys a hollister shirt, more props for cali. And just because californians still wear vintage t-shirts, rainbow sandals and uggs for the last several years doesn’t mean that they are fashion forward. Get over yourself, you make the rest of us that love this area and and respect the state we…

    Reply
  7. paynetrain   October 9, 2009 at 6:52 am

    I love it when anyone from out of state comes to Utah and says “Let me tell you why the people in my state are so much better than you” and proceed to go on about the driving, the fashion, the food and the girls.

    Why the hell did you come to Utah? Following a trend?

    Hate the way we drive? Leave.
    Hate the way we dress? Leave.
    Hate the way the school is run? Leave.
    Don’t like all the Mormons in the state (though not at all implied in your article, just a common theme we hear around campus)? Then go somewhere else.

    No one is forcing you to be here, and we don’t mind you paying the out-of-state tuition to help lower the cost for the rest of us, really.

    The only thing worse than someone who bitches about Utah and praises their glorious hometown in a neighboring state, is a person who is given a little power to publish a cultural ‘article’ which would never be…

    Reply
  8. paynetrain   October 9, 2009 at 6:53 am

    ….published on any other medium besides a blog titled “calisurfcockrock.blogspot.com” were it not for the fact that the UVU review couldn’t sell any ad space to a security/pest-control/satellite sales company to fill up page b4 of a very unnecessary 2nd section.

    I know, it was a space filler, and I am sure you are proud of yourself. Really, we don’t need you here. Go back and rule the world where you came from…..or were you not cool enough to kick it with Heidi and Spencer?

    Reply
  9. Randy   October 11, 2009 at 10:12 pm

    Who are Heidi and Spencer?

    Man, you guys are sad. I’m pretty sure this article was just written to get a rise out people and thanks to all you dummies it has. All you guys are doing is making this article climb the charts of popularity.

    go team utah

    Reply
  10. char   November 7, 2009 at 7:04 am

    all of you are dumbasses, texas is the best, so get over it.

    Reply
  11. Person   November 9, 2009 at 7:19 am

    wow, you all are funny. there’s no f**king way anyone here could possibly think they’re in cali. there’s simply not enough weed! oh, and @char, “the stars at night, are big and bright…”

    Reply
  12. Mark   November 10, 2009 at 5:25 am

    Umm Char, you need to know something. The only people more loud and brash Californians Texans. My favorite poem about Texans:

    Here I sit, my buns a-flexin,
    Just gave birth to another Texan!!

    I HATE California, the lack of English being spoken, and the few that sill do thinking they are all that. If it is so damned cool then why is the state bankrupt and paying everyone with IOU’s! The waves are not even close to being as cool as Hawaii. The Kings and Clippers always Suck as do the Raiders, 49ers, and Chargers, lol. The only team to do any good is the Fakers. The damn state is ALWAYS on fire or shaking from an earthquake. Crime is through the roof! Gays abound on every corner. Skiing is second rate compaired to Utah. Taxes are higher there. Shall we talk about the gains? California Sucks! The good music that comes out of there I just buy the few good songs for a dollar on iTunes…

    Reply
  13. hmm   November 10, 2009 at 9:43 pm

    mark, you might just be the the most annoying wannabe elitist I’ve ever seen. I’m betting you hate over half of anyone and anything you come in contact with. I feel sorry for your attitude. The world must seem like a shite place for you. Maybe one day, when you’ve created your master race, you won’t hate as much.

    Reply
  14. john   November 20, 2009 at 3:45 am

    california is a cesspool, plain and simple.

    Reply
  15. scooter   December 1, 2009 at 7:46 am

    ha love the article especially about the fashion being 6 months behind its true moved here in 05 worked at zumiez had a pair of ipaths all my co workers jelouse the pair I had wasn’t out for another 8 months in utah I however like utah that’s why I stayed as for the comment about driving in the snow that’s true we do suck at driving in the snow as for driving in the rain bull shit I’m from sacramento where it floods from downpoors I drive 85 in the rain no prob for some reason u guys hall ass in the snow but turn into slow bitches in thr rain why?

    Reply
  16. scooter   December 1, 2009 at 7:54 am

    as for hollister it is pretty stupid especially when the shirt says hollister southern california only idiots would buy that cuz the city of hollister is in northern cali by monterey I remember when I moved to utah a girl asked me where I was from I said the capitol of cali she said ”oh I love la” I shook my head laughed and walked away how could u not know sac is the capitol its the oldest established city in cali by the way the kings do not suck ya boy spud webb played for em the only player who ever beat jordan in a dunk comp and he was only 5ft 4′

    Reply
  17. Nathan   December 2, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    @scooter San Jose was the first capitol of CA, and it’s way nicer than your ghetto.

    Reply
  18. Old Jim   January 23, 2010 at 6:24 pm

    Two things jump out at me. First, anyone who calls California “Cali” is a total dink. Cali is a city in Columbia, S.A. You don’t hear anybody from or in Utah calling it Ute. It’s a lame attempt at sounding cool. No right thinking Californian ever calls his/her home state Cali. Second of all, the Hollister issue. Has any of you ever been to Hollister? It isn’t much to brag about. It is in Northern California and it’s just another small city on the map. Anyone who pays a premium price to wear “HOLLISTER” on the t-shirts are totally being duped. I’d much rather wear an Akron, Ohio t-shirt. I’ve been to both cities and Akron had a lot more going for it than Hollister does.

    Reply

Leave a Reply