What’s worse than love? Crappy candy

What’s worse than love? Crappy candy

Photo: Rachel Haslem

When one thinks of Valentine’s Day, images of various candies come to mind. All of those lovers exchanging gifts of candy and school aged tikes putting Valentine’s candy in each other’s handmade mailboxes…it can’t be helped: Valentine’s is a huge day for the candy industry. The only trouble is Valentine’s Day has some of the worst candy out of all the holidays. The only one worse is Halloween.

 

Now, I don’t throw this accusation out there just willie-nillie. I have given a lot of thought on the matter, probably more than I should, and I have sufficient evidence to support my claim.

 

First, when comparing the candies from the various holidays, we must remove all candies that are available any time of the year but are just packaged in holiday themed containers. For example, fun-sized Snickers in Valentine’s packaging are the same fun-sized Snickers that are packaged in Halloween packaging and therefore can be disregarded. This leaves us with just the candy that is meant specifically for the holidays.

 

After eliminating the always-available candy, we are left with two main candies for Valentine’s Day: Sweethearts and chocolate. Now, Sweethearts are a lousy candy. We are all well acquainted with those paper boxes and the heart-shaped cellophane windows so we can see the grossness inside. Those tiny Sweethearts are the closest thing any of us will get to eating flavored chalk willingly. Don’t believe me? Eat one and tell me your mouth doesn’t make you nostalgic for memories of classroom chalkboards (or nostalgic for other people’s memories of chalkboards since there hasn’t been a chalkboard in classrooms for decades).

 

The gross residue in your mouth will only be washed out after concentrated effort. Candy isn’t supposed to be this way.

 

Next, we have chocolate. Now, I have nothing against chocolate. The trouble is in the quantities Valentine’s Day chocolate is sold. I’m sorry, but I don’t see the appeal of heating a heart-shaped chunk of chocolate the size of my face. The only way the candy makers can sell chocolate that large and still make a profit is by making the chocolate really, really cheap and therefore gross.

 

Even if you manage to avoid the large chocolate hearts and go for the old standby of a box of chocolate, it’s still no good.

 

We all know half of those tiny chocolates will end up right back in the box after having one bite taken out of them because they contain something gross like nuts or dark chocolate. The element of surprise is fun in a lot of scenarios. Chocolate is not one of them.

 

So there you go. Valentine’s Day, while being a huge candy day, has no good candy to offer in the first place.

 

By Kelly Cannon
Life Editor

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