UVU Review Staff Meeting Erupts in Violence

A dispute over whether to publish an article on a cursed bowling ball or a half- page photo of a child’s homemade cookie that sort of looked like the Virgin Mary caused a newsroom brawl Monday.

Photographer Trent Bates’ face reddened in a deep scowl as he hooked Life editor Mel Sundquist in a headlock. She flipped him over her shoulder and onto the table, and just as Web editor Greg Wilcox was about to bash him in the face with a chair, Editor- at- large Jennie Nichols fired a warning shot into the air.

“We’re doing the photo!” she yelled, “That’s the final–“

Launching himself across the room, Editor-In-Chief Jack Waters slammed into her, and the pair flew into the wall, which crumbled. A startled janitor on the other side was about to speak into his radio when it was snatched out of his hand by News editor Britnee Nguyen. A keep-away game commenced.
Photo editor Dave Iba, who had been texting without any heed to what was going on, was knocked unconscious by the flying radio due to a fumble by Sports editor Matt Beaudin. Opinions editor John Ditzler, caught off guard by Iba’s face falling in his lap, was suddenly speared by Sundquist’s deftly-hurled knitting needles.

Order was finally restored when office manager Robbin Anthony appeared in the doorway. The room fell silent, and everyone who was still conscious dropped back into their chairs and pretended to be busy. But Anthony was not fooled. “Breaking news,” she said. “You’re all stuck here until this place is cleaned up. And you’ll be running a story on peace and cooperation.”

The writers and editors commenced half-heartedly cleaning up the mess. Satisfied, Anthony returned to her office, but upon later inspection, she discovered a chair propped up against a massive hole in the wall and a frightened janitor bound and gagged under the table.

The entire staff is currently serving lunch at a senior center under the supervision of Anthony and advisor Brent Sumner, after which they have a group therapy session. Sundquist is currently receiving therapy for her knitting addiction.

Iba, having sustained a major concussion, has begun chanting strange prophecies concerning aliens and a New World Order. He has attracted a small but growing number of young followers who, like him, have completely stopped eating anything colorful and are in the habit of wearing only long brown tunics and three- corner hats.

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