1. Reading books makes you appear intelligent and sophisticated to your good friends, cherished co-workers, and other subordinates. Kind of like smoking in front of impressionable children.
2. Reading at the library is one of the most cost effective methods of entertainment. All that money you’ll be saving means more illicit drugs in your system come the weekend. It’s the right thing to do.
3. All the dead trees that make up the many pages of a book are a terrific way to stick it in the eye of Obama, activist judges, and the rest of the limousine liberals. Cry me a river, Al Gore, you’re still not getting my gun, or my copy of Foucault’s DISCIPLINE AND PUNISH
4. Five words: PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES. And teenage celibate vampires.