SURVIVING the ZOMBIEPOCALYPSE

We all know it’s coming. Unlike every character in every zombie movie ever,
the average college kid in America would know the second the Zombiepocalypse started. However, there are many doctrines concerning how to survive this trial-by- undead-cannibalism and you’ll need to ponder which one is true. Until you do though, here’s a few hints to help you make the safest decision.

GUNS

Guns don’t kill zombies, bullets do. So make sure you have a lot of them. Just like the pioneers coming to Utah, you need
to always have your pistol and long gun

SHELTER

It’s a known fact that zombies are terrible climbers (actually, they’re terrible at everything except eating brains. They’re really good at that). Find a place to lie low that’s up high. 2nd floor apartments can work, if you knock down the stairs. Tree houses are solid gold. If evolution turns out to be true for zombies, you can pick off those who learn to climb before they get too far. Plus, odds are that all
the other still-living folks are going to be running around gathering supplies. If you hole up somewhere safe, you can loot their desiccated bodies later. Find somewhere with a good roof to protect you against

lypse. Each person in your group needs about a gallon of water a day for drinking and cooking, and that doesn’t even count grooming. Water can be tricky though—if it’s muddy, you’ll get sick. If it’s got zombie goo in it, you’ll become a zombie. If it’s got innards and and snake venom in it, you’ll die.

The Smart Decision: On second thought, just skip the water. Use Brawndo—it’s got electrolytes!

TRAVEL

Unless you’re hoofing it, you’ll need gas. As our Walking Dead friends are keen to point out, you can siphon gas from the

stomach in case you swallow.
The Smart Decision: Stockpile gasoline in jerry cans, or more realistically (and less dangerous), buy a horse, bike, or a good pair of boots.
FRIENDS

There’s safety in numbers, so be sure to band together with some friends to survive the undead onslaught. However, who you pick is important. You need to surround yourself with a well-balanced, politically correct cross section of society. Your group needs to be 45% Anglo-Saxon, 20% Mexican/Hispanic/Latino, 20% African- American, 15 Asian, 10% Homosexual, and 30% Ladies. 40% of the ladies need

at the ready. Shotguns are the traditional weapon of choice when it comes to the undead since you barely have to have any skill to use one, but rifles and pistols have their moments too. Most semi-automatic handguns carry between 12-17 rounds,

so you’ve got more immediate firepower. Rifles don’t hold as many bullets, but let you pick off the walking dead from farther away.

The Smart Decision: Wait until the government has all been infected and then go raid the Fast and Furious evidence lockers for your anti-zombie arsenal.

SHELTER

It’s a known fact that zombies are terrible climbers (actually, they’re terrible at everything except eating brains. They’re really good at that). Find a place to lie low that’s up high. 2nd floor apartments can work, if you knock down the stairs. Tree houses are solid gold. If evolution turns out to be true for zombies, you can pick off those who learn to climb before they get too far. Plus, odds are that all
the other still-living folks are going to be running around gathering supplies. If you hole up somewhere safe, you can loot their desiccated bodies later. Find somewhere with a good roof to protect you against

the elements, and make sure everybody in your group has a corner to call home.

The Smart Decision: 3rd Floor at Wolverine Crossing. The zombies will still be feasting on all the wasted partiers out by the pool, so you can have your pick of all the goodies upstairs.

WATER

Your body can survive without food for weeks, but without water you’ll be dead in less than seven days. Keep some jugs of water ready so you don’t have to Bear Grylls your way through the Zombiepoca

lypse. Each person in your group needs about a gallon of water a day for drinking and cooking, and that doesn’t even count grooming. Water can be tricky though—if it’s muddy, you’ll get sick. If it’s got zombie goo in it, you’ll become a zombie. If it’s got innards and and snake venom in it, you’ll die.

The Smart Decision: On second thought, just skip the water. Use Brawndo—it’s got electrolytes!

TRAVEL

Unless you’re hoofing it, you’ll need gas.

As our Walking Dead friends are keen to point out, you can siphon gas from the

Screen Shot 2013-02-24 at 1.36.35 PMfleet of now-ownerless cars that fill the freeways. However, you’ll notice they never show you how to siphon gas. It isn’t that difficult, but it does involve using your mouth to suck the gasoline out. In case you wondering, gasoline is extremely unhealthy to ingest and it burns your mouth like an overachieving habenero. Also, new cars have anti-siphon systems in them, so you’ll only be able to prey

on older-model cars. When you do find a promising old clunker, be sure to coat your mouth in butter or milk. This will protect the lining of your mouth and preserve your

stomach in case you swallow.
The Smart Decision: Stockpile gasoline in jerry cans, or more realistically (and less dangerous), buy a horse, bike, or a good pair of boots.
FRIENDS

There’s safety in numbers, so be sure to band together with some friends to survive the undead onslaught. However, who you pick is important. You need to surround yourself with a well-balanced, politically correct cross section of society. Your group needs to be 45% Anglo-Saxon, 20% Mexican/Hispanic/Latino, 20% African- American, 15 Asian, 10% Homosexual, and 30% Ladies. 40% of the ladies need

o married or past menopause. If you have too many eligible, pretty women, the zombies will have to eat one to show that super models are shallow and it’s what inside their head that counts.

The Smart Decision: Go multi-ethnic, but don’t get too attached. You’ll probably end up having to dramatically kill a really good friend to avoid watching them zombify in front of you.

Surviving the zombie apocalypse won’t be easy, but you’ve got what it takes. That’s why the zombies want to rip you open and feast on your can-do attitude.

 

Nathan Evans / HEX Writer

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