After decades of attempting to clean up the seagull’s reputation, the American Avian Society has finally decided to call a spade a spade and admit that seagulls are douchebags. The AAS released an official proclamation last week.
This news has hit the citizenry of Utah especially hard, as the seagull is recognized as the certified State Bird.
“I’m just shocked the AAS’s ruling,” said resident Ada Herman, who feeds the seagulls at her local Albertson’s parking lot each Tuesday morning. “Utah wouldn’t be what it is without the seagull, and the species deserves our respect.” Herman then went on to talk about the state of her lawn for half an hour.
Herman refers to an incident in 1848, enshrined in legend. During that year, according to pioneer.utah.gov, settlers in Utah lost most of their crops to Rocky mountain crickets. The website cites Orson F. Whitney as saying, “When it seemed that nothing could stay the devastation, great flocks of gulls appeared…and settled down upon the half-ruined fields. All day long they gorged themselves…the white gulls upon the black crickets…until the pests
were vanquished and the people were saved.”
What the optimism of American history doesn’t mention is that after the seagulls ate those pesky bugs, they crapped on all the pioneer’s wagons, stole their bread right out of their hands during picnics, and woke them up at five in the damn morning with their asinine squawking.
When asked about the effect their proclamation will have on Utahan pride and heritage, a representative from the AAS said, “We thought about it, but in the end found that we’re doing Utahans a favor. Seriously, they should get a cooler bird.”