Excerpts from a Wasted School Year: The road goes ever onward

A bridge to the future. From the past. Photo by Rob Steffen / UVU Review
A bridge to the future. From the past. Photo by Rob Steffen / UVU Review

April is here and summer is coming. Anime nerds are shifting from seasonably pale to unseasonably pale. It is a time of transition.

The end of a school year always prompts me to reflect on  semesters past. Good understanding of where you’ve been is essential for successfully directing where you want to go. And with that sentiment in mind, let us cast our gaze backward on my time in a year of true significance.

AUGUST
In an attempt to ease into the school year, spent every waking moment lodged in a psychedelic purple smoke haze. Went too far, and had to counter-balance with intravenous injections of methamphetamines. Chilled out and played “Halo” between bouts of frenziedly grinding teeth. School suffered as a result.

SEPTEMBER – NOVEMBER
See “AUGUST.”

DECEMBER
Attended finals. Solicited sex in an online chatroom. Attended arraignment in Provo fourth District Court. Solicited mercy. Failed to obtain mercy. Failed finals.

JANUARY
New year, fresh start. Played “Call of Duty” until eyeballs refused to shut. Spent three weeks in intensive rehab, learning to blink again. School suffered, but I had a doctor’s note. Teachers were legally obligated to work with my disability. Thanks, Accessibility Center!

FEBRUARY – MARCH
Masturbation gradually lost its fun. As foreseen by Green Day, once upon a yesteryear.

APRIL
Finals loom, but there’s only one final I give a sweet heavenly damn about: “Final Fantasy XIII.”

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