October 22, 2012 will be celebrated as the day the custodial staff declared their independence from the fecal felon known as the “Poop Bandit.” If there were ever any doubts on campus at Utah Valley University in the power of the press, they were flushed down the toilet that day.
I wrote a column about the turd who has felt the need to share his bowel movements on mirrors in a random bathroom once a week and I am proud to update there has not been an incident in nearly a month. Using the relatively small spotlight our paper provides, we have been able to shame the Bandit into hiding.
In an interesting turn of events, my column was picked up and featured on the Huffington Post and College Media Matters as well as a dozen other websites. The general reaction has been complete and utter disgust, which gives me a hope in humanity that I thought I had lost.
With the focus of the nation now on the manhunt that has ensued, the power of the press has been ramped up and is ready to drop the proverbial guillotine once the poopy perp has been apprehended. The national spotlight adds another tool in the utility belt of the superheroes who are on the smelly trail of the crappy criminal and now the paradigm has shifted from abstaining to apprehension.
At the UVU Review we no longer care who you are. We no longer care what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you we don’t have money. But what we do have are a very particular set of skills; skills we have acquired over a very long semester. Skills that make us a nightmare for people like you. If you stop pooping on mirrors on campus for good, that’ll be the end of it. We will not look for you, we will not pursue you. But if you don’t, we will look for you, we will find you, and we will expose your identity.
Until I am satisfied that the Poop Bandit has changed his ways and is not suffering from a lengthy bout of constipation, I am declaring martial law and locking down all bran muffins and Metamucil.