2008 watch list

Now that I’m not on strike anymore, I can finally preach my words of wisdom unto thee. Here are some events to look for in 2008.

1. Don’t watch CLOVERFIELD. I threw up three times; therefore, most of you won’t make it past the opening credits. If you’ve already seen this camera-shaking J.J. Abrams film and you liked it, then you’ll probably like movies such as 27 DRESSES or CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG 2: THE RETURN OF THE CHITTY. Coming soon to a family home evening near you.

2. It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s the stimulus package out to save all of us and the economy! "Bush seems to think so, but we’ll have to wait and see," said Bunney Schmidt, an assistant professor in the accounting department.

So, what is this stimulus package, and how do we get a piece of it? Probably first you will have to file your tax return in order to qualify for a rebate; and second, you should routinely check www.irs.gov, which is Web site where they (IRS) should update what they have calculated should be your rebate amount. Taxes can be filed any time, but you will have to file your taxes by April 15 if you want to be on the first round of checks.

What about children, what are they worth these days? Parents will receive $300 per child, but the child needs to be 16 or under before Dec. 31, 2007.

So, fellow students, if you are a polygamist, congratulations. You will get a big fat check.

What could cause us to be ineligible to receive our money? According to that IRS Web site and Schmidt, a salary less than 3,000, being too rich (more than $150,000); or being a dependent, living with Aunt Helga or Uncle Frank. Besides those barriers, let’s say you are a single, working student who works and lives off Cup N Noodles. If all goes well, you should get a $600 check around May, and that’s enough to buy about 1,000 Cups N Noodles, 17 Sports Illustrated subscriptions or 75 Alicia Keys CDs. Aren’t you excited?
3. The Dream Act. I am sure this legislation will be brought up again, and when it does, it needs all the support it can get. Basically, this law would allow undocumented students who join the Army, or who get accepted to a university, a pathway to "legal" status. Most "undocumented students" had no choice whether to come here legally. We shouldn’t have to punish them.

As a side note, this could work great as a pickup line. For example: Jay could approach a lady who he presumes to be Latina and start with, "Hi, my name is Jay, and I supported the Dream Act." Works like a charm.

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