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If I gripe about how people are too judgmental, am I being judgmental? Probably, yet here I go. I can’t help it.

There are so many stones being thrown, I donít know which way to run. It’s like the Millennium Falcon zipping through an asteroid field, except this isnít the movies and Harrison Ford isnít driving. People are being pummeled right and left, but if the principal marched in and asked who was throwing stuff, everyone would say “not me.”

I recently found myself trapped on a message board, arguing the moral righteousness of Kirby Heyborne. In case you’ve been living in a cave — or classroom, as the case may be — Kirby recently took a lucrative acting job in a commercial. Itís a funny commercial, and the Heyborne family will be able to buy peanut butter and Wonder Bread for a few more months. The problem, for some, is that the commercial is for beer. Gasp! Not Kirby, our little RM? Shilling for the alcohol industry just to feed his family? Inexcusable! He doesn’t drink the stuff and even believes itís something of a sin, yet heís telling my kids to buy it. I canít compete with witty commercials starring little-known actors with surfer haircuts. If my son becomes a loser, it’s all Kirbyís fault.

Orson Scott Card printed a rebuttal in the Deseret News. He’s pro-Kirby and pulled out the whip for all those self-righteous, intolerant bloggers who are sending Kirby hate mail. The page was dripping with sarcasm. It was a delightful read, but in the process of giving his own opinion, Card condemned those who had found fault with Heyborne. And the gauntlet of judgment was thrown down once again.

Now people won’t read Cardís books anymore. Besides, he writes bad words in those books anyway, so no wonder he’s confused about right and wrong. Heís obviously Satan. Or Kirby is. Let’s flog them both.

This feels like an epidemic. Our nation is full of people who deserve a good thumping. Every day, gay bashing occurs right and left. And every day I hear the same stuff coming from the gay community — only the words have changed to bash anyone who doesnít don the rainbow and shout for marriage rights. Neither side can understand how anyone can be passionate about a view or belief that is opposite their own. Itís silly. Youíre all welcome to worship, believe, and fight for whatever is important to you, but you should know, Peanut Butter Panic is THE best flavor of ice-cream and anyone who thinks otherwise is a moron.

While we’re at it, illegal immigrants are blood-sucking law-breakers and those who would send them home make Hitler look like a Sunday school teacher. Republicans are brain dead and Democrats are blind to reality. Obama supporters are dorks. Hillary supporters are dweebs.

Let’s flog them all. You are cordially invited to our weekly flog-fest. Fun for the whole family! Finally, we have a chance to get all the judgmental rhetoric out of our systems so we can start the long and difficult process of rebuilding our lives. Or we could turn to Plato, who was a really smart guy. “You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters.”

Refreshments anyone? Peanut Butter Panic ice-cream, of course.