Hold to the Wad

We live in a society people. And lately, contrary to popular consent, we have been doing just that, very well.

However, only the true mavericks of society possess the clarity of vision to see in such a way. Take the overall mood of the general public for example. With the Anti-Christ Elect, Barack Obama, poised and ready to seize the reigns of executive power in his gnarled talons, a government in shambles from decades of funding their glut of degenerate social programs, and the wings of our lofty economy fixed in a downward spiral, gloomy dispositions are understandable — but only on the faces of the misinformed.

People, your old pal LaVyrlle “Maverick Eagle” Christiantsen was blessed with vision and a really sweet spirit. And I live by the belief that states that to whom much is given, much is expected. It took a maverick like John McCain to teach us that those who look with eyes that see will notice that what sounds like a McDonald’s advertising slogan can actually be interpreted as a spot-on critique of the rhetoric employed by the goonery of sinister media elites. The Mac is back indeed, sir.

It took a maverick like Tom Cruise to demonstrate the fact that the proper role of decent Americans is to fill their pockets with as much of God’s bounty as possible, and then to offer up as much of that bounty as they can to the enrichment of faith-based corporations.

The news media would have us believe that the walls are closing in around those who fight the good fight, that we should just pack it in and concede. It is now up to the maverick, LaVyrlle Christiantsen, to dispel a few myths of his own, to share some of his vision and to spread the message that there is much more light in the now of our current tunnel than they would have us believe.

Recent news reports recounting the trampling death of a Long-Island, Wal-Mart employee trespass from the legitimate objectivity of reporting just the facts onto the profane ground of editorialized propaganda. These reports would have you believe that Wal-Mart, God’s most successful missionary of capitalism to the third world, did something wrong — that the public should lament the sacrifice. What uproariously foul dishonesty!

We don’t speak about it much. But we all know in our hearts that America’s copious wealth is empirical evidence of God’s approval of a chosen society. And those who ponder fervently are all impressed with a subtle inner prompting that confirms the fact that He pines for our every comfort and contentment. And in our chosen society, that contentment comes from consumer goods at low, low prices.

Thank goodness our founders were inspired to draft the First Amendment and include it in the Constitution. Currently it serves as the best weapon against home-grown varieties of evil and tyranny. The first clause (the part about freedom of religion) protects us from the plots of our adversaries, while the second (the part about free speech and a free press) compels our enemies, the liberal media, to reveal them.

The point I’ve been dancing around all this time is that consumerism is at the core of our Constitutionally protected belief system. Wal-Mart is the temporal counterpart to temples and therefore sacred ground protected by the highest law of the land. If blood sacrifices at the gates of the temple are prerequisite to kneeling at the feet of the holy of holies — the cash register — then who would have the audacity to criticize? I’ll tell you who: gay liberals seeking to erode our rights, secularize our culture, and ensnare our children in a web of vicious lies. We must be vigilant. This aggression will not stand.

With California’s passing of Proposition 8 and the culture-wide, unapologetic embracing of radically unregulated market capitalism, it is clear that momentum is now on the side of right. We’ve got to keep this going, people. Strike while the iron is hot. So, even though the next political season won’t get underway for quite some time, I will be spending the downtime working to start grass-roots organizations to sponsor three new ballot initiatives — Propositions 9, 10 and 11 — to be introduced on the front lines of the war, California.

Proposition 9 shall be an amendment to California’s state constitution that will apply the tax exempt status granted to religious organizations to certain pseudo-religious organizations that meet the definition of “missionaries of capitalism,” which shall be clearly articulated in the language of the bill.

Proposition 10 shall introduce a bill which will define the first three holidays of the calendar year, Civil Rights Day, Presidents Day and Valentine’s Day, as taking place between a man and a woman or as being observable by unwed straight people, whichever term best applies ad hoc.

Proposition 11 will put forward a bill calling for the formation of a task force of no less than 10 and no more than 12 typographers and graphic designers who shall be dutifully charged with the honor of officially redesigning the number 11 such that it no longer resembles two penises standing side-by-side. A deadline shall be placed on the deliberation proceedings in order that the reformed characters might be implemented on the same day Proposition 8 takes effect.

Doing right ain’t got no end, people. We’re taking the fight to the enemy. We shall prevail.

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