It’s hard having a beard. It’s itchy, it’s hot, people stare at it, and you can’t blow huge bubble gum bubbles. I think the toughest, but manliest, part of having a beard is to get enough courage to grow pubic-like hair all over your face. To those men who try and succeed, I say, “Good one on you, mate” and for those who are follicle-challenged, I say, “Dude, sorry. If God didn’t put it there, don’t even try it.”
For this reason, I feel that there definitely need to be more guidelines set on who can and who can’t grow beards. Truly, some beards make you look like a rock star, and some beards make you look like you have a squirrel on your chin. Some guys really don’t realize that it looks like a squirrel on their chin. So, in order to stop the creepiness and to give Mr. Beardy McWeirdy a chance with the ladies, I created, “Beard Rules.” Not, “Beards Rule!” It’s just plain, “Beard Rules.” Now you can know if you can have a sweet beard or not.
#1 You can only have a beard if you are too lazy to shave. If not, shave it.
#2 If you are too lazy to shave, then you must have a legitimate reason for being lazy. If not, shave it.
Example: “I am a bum” is a good reason for growing a beard. You can’t argue with that. What about if one says, “My razor broke, and I am too lazy to buy a new one.” You see, this dude doesn’t sound lazy enough to me. He doesn’t truly want a beard. How about this: “I am a ski bum.” Then yes, you may. Any bums get a free beard card in my book. (If you have any questions about whether a beard is right for you, refer to a Canadian official or any dude on a horse. They are usually certified, too.)
#3 If your razor breaks, or it isnít comfortable to shave, you officially have two working days to buy a new razor and shave, per Canadian law.
If not, shave it.
#4 Absolutely no blond or white beards, unless you are Gandalf. If not, shave it. Note: Red beards are really cool and highly regarded by girls and the beard community.
#5 No thin beards. You cannot continue growing a beard if you can see skin underneath the beard. If not, shave it. No exceptions, McWeirdy.
#6 You cannot have a nasty, curly beard. If not, shave it. However, I hear there are straightening options available at your local saloon, if you want to get drunk, and also at salons, if you are serious about straightening your beard.
#7 Trim your beard nicely and neatly. It cannot grow longer than an inch. If so, shave it. That is to avoid all creepiness and or Bin Laden look-a-likes.
#8 You can only grow a beard if it looks like Clint Eastwood’s in THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY, because if it isn’t bad, and if it isn’t ugly, then it’s got to be good. If not, shave it.
#9 (Exceptions to #7 and #8) You can only grow a beard longer than an inch and not have it look like Clint Eastwood if you have an English accent, sip tea, and have mustache curls. If not, shave it.
#10 You can only grow a beard if you pass all ten Beard Rules. If you don’t, shave it and never ever think of growing a beard again you sick, nasty man.
The bottom line is beards can be cool, and it can scare kids. So just follow Beard Rules. If you don’t follow these rules, do all of us a favor and shave it. I promise you can still be a rock star, look smart, be a hard “A,” have a girlfriend, and paint like Bob Ross and still be cool. Happy beard-growing, and may your sweet beard live on.
Look at the cool pictures below and see if you can spot the the good, the bad, and the ugly beards.
Note: Only a few beards follow Beard Rules, so don’t get all excited and grow one that would break all the beard rules.