Time to press the panic button?

For Utah Jazz fans there are two ways of looking at the rocky start into which the team has stumbled early this season. After a discouraging loss to the Boston Celtics, the Jazz are 3-5 and chemistry seems to be a big issue. Utah has lost games to the Houston Rockets, Dallas Mavericks and Sacramento […]

Infant Genius Refuses to Change Own Diaper

Mr. and Mrs. Locke sat petrified on their sofa and watched their daughter Genny with frozen stares. The toddler is not yet two years old, but she is swearing at the contestants on Jeopardy! with undisguised contempt. “Moron! How the hell could you possibly mistake Newton’s Laws for Einsteinian theory?!” she yelled.

UVU Review Staff Meeting Erupts in Violence

A dispute over whether to publish an article on a cursed bowling ball or a half- page photo of a child’s homemade cookie that sort of looked like the Virgin Mary caused a newsroom brawl Monday. Photographer Trent Bates’ face reddened in a deep scowl as he hooked Life editor Mel Sundquist in a headlock.

When will UVU switch to a University?

So here we are, UVU. We had the big transition last year when we switched from UVSC to UVU. Now, don’t get me wrong; I think switching from UVSC to UVU is great. But the question still hangs over us — when will UVU become a University? With true University status, we should become unstoppable.

I Love Boys Who Sparkle

Edward Cullen sparkles. No – he SHIMMERS. As a flamboyant gay man at UVU, I obviously believed I had no interest in the alleged heterosexual TWILIGHT books series and I was less-than-enthralled when my official “fag-hag” (holla Shaniqua-lay, you’re my girl!) and all her friends went out on opening night for the movie.

Hipster briefs

A local anonymous hipster, known among students as “the one with the bright pink fixie and the beanie made of yak fur,” has been temporarily ostracized by his peers for making a quick decision about which blended coffee drink to purchase at the Starbucks at University Mall.

Arches: Ultimate advertising opportunity

Arches National Park became the first national park to capitalize on former Pres. Bush’s lame duck loosening of environmental safeguards. They will now hold auctions that will allow advertisers access to the red-rocked tourist destination. Delicate Arch, the longstanding symbol of Utah, stands to be the big-ticket real estate.

Ugg Boots Outlawed

In an effort to improve the environment at UVU, President Holland’s first act as leader was to ban the popular Ugg Boots. Protests have sprung up all around campus in response to this result. “I’m outraged,” said a UVU protestor, “I’m going to get all of my girlfriends from BYU to help with this unfair decision.

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