Single Mormon female

Single Mormon female
71 comments, Saturday, February 8th, 2014, by Brittany M. Plothow, in Opinions

There was no burning bush. No visitation or concourses of angels. No grand revelation. I’m pretty sure I was just in my bathroom, getting ready one morning. I decided I wanted to attend the temple and receive my Endowment.

I was only 24 at the time and had not served a full time mission for the LDS Church. So I recognized that my desire was a little unorthodox. Young people usually only receive the endowment when preparing for either a mission or marriage. I was doing neither. I put off the feeling for weeks but it kept returning, a pesky little thought. I was taught since my infancy not to deny promptings of the Spirit, so I went to my bishop.

The first thing he asked me was if there was a guy I could marry instead. Clearly, I said the answer was no. My last relationship had ended two years prior, and I wasn’t even thinking of dating or marriage. I wanted to go to the temple solo. A righteous desire, I thought.

He again asked if I could just get married instead, maybe I could get back with my ex-boyfriend who, mind you, was inactive and struggled with alcohol. With all the patience I could summon, I told him that marriage was not currently on my radar but the temple was. He reluctantly set up an appointment with the Stake President.

My first meeting with the Stake President went like this:

Me: “President, I’d like to get my recommend and receive my Endowment in the temple.”

Stake President: “Are you dating anyone?”

Me: “…no.”

Stake President: “Why not?”

Me: “I’m not really interested in anyone at the moment.”

Stake President: “Well, maybe you need to get interested.”

He did not ask about my testimony of the Gospel, my relationship with Jesus Christ or my faith in God. He wanted to talk about boys. This was getting stupid. As calmly as I could, I explained that this is what I wanted and I wouldn’t be going anywhere until he understood I was serious. He resigned to my request and gave me the proper interview. I walked out of his office holding my recommend in my hot little hands.

I can understand their hesitance. Going through the temple is not to be taken lightly. It’s the point of no return, in a sense, for Church members. If you break the Law of Chastity or something similar after the being endowed, you’re also breaking covenants made in the temple with the Lord. Sins can often take longer to come back from after the endowment due to the seriousness involved in making promises in a temple Endowment.

Since going through the temple I’ve had some interesting experiences. Such as the boy who noticed my knee garment line but lack of wedding ring and thought it appropriate to ask if I was divorced—not if I went on a mission, but if I was a failure at marriage. I actually get that question rather often. There was the guy who told me, without blinking an eye, that it was weird that I decided to receive my endowments alone, without a husband. And the time a guy flat out told me he wouldn’t date me due to my prior endowment. All of these boys were LDS.

Being single, Mormon, and a 28-year-old female can be incredibly difficult.  Most of my friends were married before age 25 and have multiple children. When I go back to the congregation I grew up in, the most commonly asked question is whether or not I’m dating anyone. When my answer is that I’m still single I usually get asked why. Not when I graduate or even what I’m planning to do when I’m done with school. Just if I’m dating.

I’ve been told I’m too picky and that’s why I’m single. I think that’s funny. Of all the things in this world to be picky about, wouldn’t my eternal companion be at the top of that list? Also, I’m not picky. I’m particular. There’s a massive difference. Picky would be if I refused to date a guy unless he was over 6 feet and had red hair. While that’s my “type”, I’ve only ever dated two guys who fit that description.

I was talking to a coworker not too terribly long ago and she asked me what my type was when it came to dating. I said, in all seriousness, “all I want is a guy who is my equal intellectually and doesn’t look at porn.” She laughed. Apparently that’s unreasonable.

When I say someone who is my equal intellectually I don’t say that to be uppity. What I mean is that I am a very driven person. I have lofty goals and big aspirations. I don’t want to have to be dragging my partner alongside me because he’s not as passionate as I am. I want someone who is inspired by my goals, not intimidated. And I want someone who reads, and reads a lot.

Another co-worker took it upon himself to inform me that I should date outside of my religion if that’s what I wanted. I take slight offense to that suggestion and it’s one I tend to get a lot. Because apparently Mormon dudes just aren’t into a girl like me, whatever that means. I simply refuse to believe that LDS men are that vapid and shallow.

I have dated Mormons and non-Mormons alike. I don’t really prefer one over the other, honestly. Of course, marriage in the temple is important and has been stressed since I was incredibly young. Yet for some of us, it’s just not an option if we want companionship.

If I marry outside of the Church I know there will be issues. Such as my desire to attend the temple regularly, which I’ll have to do alone, raising my children in a religion their father doesn’t share, three hours every Sunday dedicated to going to church and going alone. It sounds incredibly lonely.

An equally single friend of mine went to a trusted church leader and asked him which would be worse, to marry outside of the Church or to remain unmarried in a Church that stresses marriage and has within its doctrine that marriage is essential for salvation.

His response was that women in the Bible traveled hundreds of miles to marry within the covenant. That’s all fine and dandy, except that this isn’t Bible times and society just doesn’t work like that anymore. I wish it were that simple, that black and white. It just isn’t.

As I’ve inched towards my 30s, I’ve braced myself for the all too realistic thought that I may not marry in this life and if I do manage to pull that off, I will most likely be well into my 30s. Sometimes I feel like I should try harder, to be a good Mormon girl and focus solely on getting married. That sounds exhausting. I think I’ll conquer the world in the meantime.

About Brittany M. Plothow

Brittany is the Opinion Editor at UVU Review. She is a passionate little soul of a person. She is a senior at Utah Valley University and will graduate in spring 2014. With a background in addiction recovery and journalism, she is planning a career in non-profits. She can be found on Saturday nights hanging out with her cat Ringo Starr and watching Netflix. She probably tweets too much.

71 comments

  1. C.G.S
    February 10th, 2014 2:52

    Hi! i know how do you feel…
    I´m from mexico and in the beggining i wasnt a member… my girlfriend was… and I think she was worried about our future and all that things that we know…
    But we climb the mountain.. we fall and we have mistakes. I believe she loves me because my way to be with her, even if I werent a member.

    Now we are about to get married in the temple and I’m very happy about that.

    PS: You can write me if you need anything

    Reply

  2. February 10th, 2014 8:30

    It hurts my heart to read this article, and to see all the judgment shown to single LDS females. I didn’t get married until I was 25, and I felt all the same pressures about marriage. I didn’t go on a mission, and I felt like it was the right decision not to go. It really upsets me to see that so many people in the church look at girls who are in their upper twenties and who are unmarried as broken or overly picky. Maybe instead of using these excuses as a way to shove aside the problem, people should look to find the real answer to these difficulties.

    Reply

  3. Shyann
    February 10th, 2014 10:40

    Get it girl!

    Reply

  4. February 10th, 2014 11:01

    I am so sorry you had such a horrible experience while trying to receive your endowment, I don’t know “official protocol” but I do think that your experience is NOT OKAY. I also think it is frighteningly common. As for the reaction from friends, strangers, or peers: shame on them. Their negative comments on your decision to attend the temple is NOT OKAY. Hang in there.

    Thank you for sharing this
    xox

    Reply

    • February 10th, 2014 17:30

      Agreed!

      Reply

    • c
      February 11th, 2014 18:45

      ditto–you are fine just the way you are–good for you!

      Reply

  5. Naomi
    February 10th, 2014 11:03

    I wish that your experiences were isolated, but I have personally experienced many of the sentiments and comments that you’ve shared. And I know others who have, too. As Saints, we should know and do better. And luckily, there are many who know and are better–gotta hang on to those people. It sounds like you have the right idea.

    Reply

  6. Natasha
    February 10th, 2014 11:13

    I love your message! I can’t say that I know your situation, but I do feel for you after reading your post. I think you totally are doing a worthy thing to go to the temple and help the work along by being able to do temple work! I think you should be proud of yourself and for listening to the spirit when it prompted you. It reminds me of a story I heard (I hope I’m right with this story…) one of the prophet’s (maybe one of the 12, I’m not totally sure) wives was unmarried for many years and struggled for quite a long time with why she couldn’t find the right companion, but either in her patriarchal blessing or a prompting she had the feeling she was being reserved for something better later. So she waited patiently and when she was quite a bit older, I want to say 50s+ she ended up marrying one of the prophets whose first wife had died. Without it happening this way, she…

    Reply

    • Krista
      February 27th, 2014 21:43

      Elder Oaks wife! She’s talked at devotionals and forums about it and she’s awesome. :)

      Reply

  7. AT
    February 10th, 2014 11:22

    I don’t think it is big issue the father and mother believe in different religion. I think it will make your children more open minded and also can teach them not to judge others just because they are different.

    Reply

    • IT
      February 25th, 2014 15:20

      It is actually a not as easy as you may think. On my mission I met many women and men who married out side of the church, after a few years a lot of them were less active and attending a church they could agree on with their spouse. Most of the children in these families were not interested in the LDS church because the standards were high, and why did they have to do those things if mom or dad didn’t. It takes a lot of support to raise a family in the gospel. Granted there are some families who do it, but It is a really hard thing to do.

      Reply

  8. Megan Kallas
    February 10th, 2014 12:32

    Brittany,

    Thanks for sharing your story. I had a similar experience, from bishops and stake presidents wanting me to wait for my endowment until marriage to the “Are you dating anyone?” question from colleagues, acquaintances, family, and perhaps even my parent’s dog. All I can say is hang in there and have hope! You are not alone. The best thing you can do is be awesome, and it sounds like that is exactly what you’re doing. I’m excited to see you conquer the world!

    Reply

  9. Helena
    February 10th, 2014 13:05

    Thanks for sharing. I feel for your experiences at the hands of your leaders. What are the chances that both bishop AND stake president are discouraging you, as a single woman, from going through the temple until you find a man? You don’t have to marry if you don’t see the right fit! I don’t recall seeing any of that in church doctrine, scriptures or anything else. It is VERY gray and no one can walk in your shoes, so no one can judge. The temple is something that can give you extra strength and protection, as well as more obligations. Why shouldn’t you have those blessings, being single, though? Just know what you want and stick with it. The important thing is that you have thought through it, studied, prayed and pondered and know that it is right for YOU. Have a great life as an endowed member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints!

    Reply

  10. C
    February 10th, 2014 13:55

    I had to travel 5000 miles to find mine. I was 26 when I found her (I’m male of course), and 27 when I married. Went to a country I had never planned to visit, but that’s how it turned out. The equal intelligence thing was a big thing: I wanted a partner that wouldn’t pursue a career above her children (putting children second once they came), but also wouldn’t stop learning and challenging herself. That narrowed it a bit locally in the US, as I saw a lot of the extremes. Then, there was the desire to have her know how to cook and clean. I can do both, and actually cook gourmet, but I don’t want to do it every night. That also reduced it significantly, especially in the US. So, I needed to look outside my comfort zone. Ldssingles.com, prayed, got a positive answer (first actually, all the rest in the past had been negative), and went for it.

    Reply

    • BitTwiddler
      February 11th, 2014 15:09

      Wait, so if you are a working mom you put your kids second? Yeah, not true.

      I amazed there were so many American LDS girls who didn’t know how to clean and cook. Makes me think that your criteria wasn’t the problem. Maybe it was just you.

      Reply

      • Inquisitive
        February 22nd, 2014 0:17

        I’m not saying that you are doing this, but if a woman is a working mom, and their children are pawned off to a daycare because of it, and the second income isn’t necessary, then yes, the children are coming second.

        Reply

  11. Brandon
    February 10th, 2014 14:28

    Good on you for highlighting one of the strange injustices of the LDS culture. It’s a symptom of something greater which bothers me a great deal, as the pressure to marry is so strong that it is considered a symbol of status, instead of the covenant that it’s meant to be.

    Righteousness should not have a measuring stick, yet in the Church, it seems that we far too often are shoe-horned into a mold, and criticized until we fit the “Mormon Ideal,” wherever that cultural standard came from. I’m sorry for my peers who seem to have not yet come to understand the bounds appropriateness.

    But I hope that you find the fella you’re looking for someday.

    Reply

  12. Lily
    February 10th, 2014 14:31

    I’m not very surprised that this was (and continues to be) your experience.

    I don’t doubt that there is an LDS man out there for you, should you want it, but I think you have many things that work against meeting the “traditional” LDS guy. As you’ve experienced, you’re way past “marrying” age, so many of the “worthy” guys your age are probably already tucked away into their marriages and probably more kids than they know what to do with already. Most of them probably followed the “mission followed by married within 6 months of homecoming” routine. I’m glad you didn’t follow suit just because it was the right thing to do!

    When I look at the men I was dating when I was that age, yikes. I would not want to be married to any of them today. They were nice men, but the person I have grown into wouldn’t be very compatible with them, sadly. Not in a bad way, but just…

    Reply

  13. Brad
    February 10th, 2014 14:59

    “It sounds incredibly lonely.”

    Then make your husband a priority.

    Reply

    • Lauren
      February 13th, 2014 23:25

      I think you may have misinterpreted that statement. She was referring to having to worship alone if her spouse isn’t of the same faith, which even in the healthiest of relationships would still be a bit….lonely?

      Reply

  14. Jenn
    February 10th, 2014 15:45

    I am attending one of my best friends weddings this Friday, Valentines day. It is her first wedding, and she has saved herself for this Man. 50 years she has followed her dreams and aspirations, and they are well well matched. The right one will come along, just enjoy the time you have to better yourself.

    Reply

  15. February 10th, 2014 16:05

    You really need to get out of the church. Still, if you feel a need to remain Mormon, just be sure you also remain your own person. And remember that the only authority a bishop or stake president has is the authority that you choose to give him.

    My daughter went through the temple alone when she was 30. In fact, it was her bishop’s idea, not hers. (I didn’t approve of the idea because she is very attractive, and I didn’t want my good-looking daughter to be subjected to the humiliation of having to wear temple garments.) But your case well illustrates how arbitrary church leadership is. In one case, your bishop and/or stake president is fine with something you want to do. But the next bishop to come along may be totally against it, and will cite some made-up doctrinal fact that he has pulled out of you-know-where. Either way, his superiors will support the decision because he was…

    Reply

  16. Christine
    February 10th, 2014 17:57

    I experienced all of those things and more as a single Mormon female. I met my awesome husband at 35 and got married at 36. We only had time for one child, but she is an amazing kid and life is wonderful. Don’t give up. Be yourself, don’t hide yourself away, pursue your dreams, develop your talents and stay positive. He’ll find you and you will be *such* a catch.

    Reply

  17. Heather Duncan
    February 10th, 2014 18:09

    I know how you feel to. That is one of the reasons I left Mormonism. I was being talked down by the upper men in suits and ties. I was getting depressed, really depressed. I said to myself going to church should be an uplifting activity, not a depressing one. I got on anti depressants toughened myself up and said that I’m not inferior to any man. No man has power over me . Only God.
    Now I’m 38. I was never asked out on dates very much. Looking back I feel that God doesn’t have one generic divine role for women. Every individual weather male or female has individual roles to play out on earth. Maybe God created ugly people, mentally disabled people, or really anyone who doesn’t get to have sex a form of population control (just a theory).
    I’m happier now, I’m a Christian, just dropped the Mormonism part.
    I ‘m not saying this is the right thing for you to do, but…

    Reply

  18. Nelspeth
    February 10th, 2014 22:56

    My brother is almost 30 yrs. old, and living in Utah. He is going through a very similar story, with very similar feelings. It seems that all people want to talk to him about is dating, dating advice, or setting him up, instead of how grad school is, or what so it like play in 2 different bands, family, job, etc. people seem to think he’s unrighteousness, too picky, or something’s just plain wrong with him. I have a great deal of compassion for those who are in your situation, and I hope that LDS culture can evolve to make you feel less excluded.

    Reply

  19. ixchelmala
    February 11th, 2014 0:04

    What I like about your post is that you don’t seem to be lonely at all or be complaining about not having a dude in your life (because you “need” one to define yourself through). Instead, I think there’s a theme of disappointment because everyone wants you to have a dude in your life, so that it can be fulfilling.

    They are all missing the point of you and your life…. your life “is” fulfilled and happy.

    Reply

  20. Corman
    February 11th, 2014 12:26

    Some guys are idiots. Sorry you have to come across their path from time to time. And some of those leaders are not what you’d expect. The church is perfect, the people are definitely not! There is nothing wrong with being particular, especially about such a serious decision as this one. You are blamed for being picky, but guess what? So is everybody else! It’s a big decision and there’s nothing wrong with wanting the same values and drive as you. Of course, there will be things that you both will have to help each other achieve and learn and grow, but that comes in time. Keep on being good and doing what you’re doing and things will work out, I’m sure.

    Reply

  21. Brenna
    February 11th, 2014 21:33

    Your article is truly wonderful and relevant, thank you so much.

    I am 26 years old, have never served a mission and am not engaged. I live in South Korea, but I’m actually from the United States. Last year, I took out my endowment at the Seoul Temple, and it was seriously one of the best decisions I’ve ever made and helped me gain a lot of peace and clarity, even though my life was already going pretty well. I’m even in a serious relationship with a Church member, and he was luckily very supportive. Adding it all up, it’s unorthodox to say the least, but what I love about the Church is there’s SO much room for diversity within the actual Church teachings – and you’ve shown that by your bold and confident example.

    Let me say now that I am frankly shocked by people’s responses to your decision; both your leaders and “suitors.” The comments of some of these men…

    Reply

  22. Mandy
    February 13th, 2014 15:48

    I’m a Mormon 25 year old and got married when I was 21. We still don’t have kids, and get asked all the time when we will have them. I even had an aunt who asked me if something was wrong with my body… Yeah. I think no matter what point in life you are, people can be insensitive and question your timeline. Good for you for being “picky” and wanting someone ambitious. Just because you didn’t get married at 21, you shouldn’t have to settle. It’s a huge decision, and it’s good you are taking it so seriously! Hang in there. I’m hopeful that some attitudes in the church will change in a positive, more open direction.

    Reply

  23. Stella
    February 13th, 2014 17:11

    Right now I’m 32, single, living in SLC, have a career in PR/communications and attend a conventional ward (i.e., family ward). Most importantly – I’m happy. Life is good and dating/marriage has nothing to do with it. If we can’t find joy and happiness now – it won’t magically appear with a ring on our finger. While I’ve been fortunate to not have had the same blatant lameness thrust at me from church leaders and boys, I get how you feel. I try to remember that those who are married just want me to experience that same joy. I’m flattered that they care – but I could do with less of that type of “caring” and instead have them show genuine interest in me as a person–someone who thinks and has a life. Shocking that a single woman could have a life–don’t we all just sit around waiting for the next available guy to stroll by?! Ha! I’ve gotten to the point that I deliberately do…

    Reply

  24. Just a guy
    February 13th, 2014 18:40

    You need sex. I don’t say this to troll or to be flippant. You need to put this disastrous people/”God”-pleasing mentality on hold and experience real life. You will not gain happiness on the path you’re on. I left the church and I am deeply glad that I did so. I am free. Life has finally begun. The world is great. The church is a scam, a corporation that teaches a doctrine invented by men. I know you’ll brush this aside, but I figured I’d reach out anyway. Best of luck to you.

    Reply

  25. A.B.
    February 13th, 2014 20:14

    You’re cute!

    Reply

  26. Sunrise
    February 13th, 2014 22:19

    Know how you’re feeling. Don’t let yourself get pushed into anything that isn’t right for you. When I was in my 20s, people at church were always trying to set me up with some nice guy. And they were all nice guys; they just weren’t the one incredible guy I wanted to spend my life with.

    Please don’t be scared of 30. It’s just a number. I was in grad school on my 30th bd and remembered what day it was as I left my last class. I’m 30, I thought. Am I doing what I want to do? YES!!! So much for thirty.

    I was also picky about men; I wanted a guy who was as smart as I am and who would enjoy my intelligence rather than be intimidated by it. I rolled through 30 without finding him; thirty-five came and went. At my 20th high school reunion I was one of only 3 girls in the class who’d never been married.

    Then, unexpected and out of the blue, there he was. My perfect…

    Reply

  27. Hannah
    February 13th, 2014 22:28

    I did give in to those pressures. I got married in the temple at 19 to a man that was not who I thought he was.
    Four years later we got divorced. I faced similar hurtful comments being a divorced Mormon.
    I was determined to either find the perfect man for me, or stay single. I wasn’t going to settle again.
    I am now married to a wonderful man who is my equal intellectually and doesn’t look at porn:) ( He also has many other fine qualities)
    Don’t settle! Enjoy the temple!

    Reply

  28. Janel
    February 14th, 2014 0:27

    I agree with ixchamala: many people miss the point. They are so entrapped in the “must marry to be normal, happy, and successful” mentality, that they can’t fathom how anyone could purport otherwise. And Mormon culture is very guilty of this. My intent is not to demean marriage or what the lds church teaches concerning its potential and importance; I’ve No doubt that it’s the most wonderful thing when it’s right, but so many marry more for the sake of it than readiness or rightness. It definitely has become for many a status symbol. And you are clearly far too intelligent and sensible to buy into any patriarchal crap about needing a man to take care of you or define yourself through. You desire companionship for its own sake, which is normal and healthy, not for societal approval and selfish personal ideals, which isn’t. Mormon doctrine is good, Mormon culture is a lot of…

    Reply

  29. b
    February 14th, 2014 6:29

    Poor girl, so very brainwashed.

    Reply

  30. Amy
    February 14th, 2014 8:56

    Congratulations on making your own way and doing what is right for you!

    Reply

  31. Jena
    February 14th, 2014 23:34

    “I want someone who is inspired by my goals, not intimidated.”

    That needs to become a meme.

    I’m 32 and never married. I took out my Endowment nearly as soon as I was allowed at 25 after three previous “false starts”: first at 19 when they instituted the 25+ policy while I was in temple prep, at 20 when I was exploring going on a mission, and at 21 before I understood that my then-fiance was an abusive creeper. I hated having to wait because I had no desire to serve a mission and I was nowhere near ready for marriage while recovering from my trauma. I knew the policy was in place to prevent people going primarily to attend a loved one’s sealing, but my desire was intense to know more, and it frustrated me. Looking back, and reading this, I’m intensely frustrated that what is found in the temple is hinged so hard on a woman finding a man because had I been endowed only in…

    Reply

  32. Cal
    February 17th, 2014 20:31

    Brittany: Don’t give up on finding a guy who is your intellectual equal and/or not threatened by you. They are hard to come by in UtahMormonville. I found one, but he is from Tonga! We got married when I was nearly 26 and he was 32. Don’t give up on being a Mormon, but don’t stop being a feminist either. We need strong independent minds to help change the sexism that exists. Keep getting to know yourself and keep following what your heart tells you about how to best fulfill your mission in life and your dreams. Don’t buy into the idea that marriage and children are the only way you can contribute. If you hadn’t had it drummed in your ear all your life that getting married and having kids was the ULTIMATE, what would you have ambitions toward doing? Figure out what that thing is and throw your whole heart and soul into pursuing it. If you meet the right guy while doing that, great,…

    Reply

  33. February 18th, 2014 22:03

    I was going to try to be polite, but no. I’m tired of these pathetic excuses, especially when I hear them from any Mormon that has grown up and/or lives in Utah. Have you considered looking for a guy and asking him out since you’re soooo ambitious? Beggars can’t be choosers. Deal with it or stop begging and do something about it. But don’t complain and blame everyone else.

    I don’t live in Utah. Never lived in Utah. In fact I’ve never lived anywhere where the local ward had more than 100 people total. My current YSA branch consist of 25 members. I’m not attracted to any of the girls there but I don’t blame them for choosing to live a life that apparently doesn’t include going to the gym for why I’m still single. I accept the fact that if I’m not going to settle for less than a temple marriage to a girl that is beautiful, smart, elegant, athletic, and sexy, then I might be…

    Reply

    • February 18th, 2014 22:12

      single for a while or may have to go out and find one. But I’ve chosen that. No one forced that upon me. And if I get to the point where I’ve achieved all my goals but temple marriage and a family then you’d better believe that I’m not going to blame anyone else. No, I’m going to do exactly what I did in order to achieve every other goal. I’m going to turn Christ for direction and then I’m going to start running which ever way He points.

      I also realize and accept that the day may come when I’m presented with the blessing of my choice companion but at the cost of one of my goals (like becoming a neurosurgeon). If that day ever comes, I know which one those is eternal and which is not.

      There is nothing wrong with being a strong, independent woman. But for one thing, such women don’t blame others for their problems (that’s something weak, needy people do). And the other is…

      Reply

      • February 18th, 2014 22:13

        that those women realize that it is their choice to live in that way and they don’t complain about or care about what other imperfect people think about them.

        Be true to the Savior and be true to yourself; then leave the rest to Him.

        Reply

  34. Don't Get it..
    February 19th, 2014 20:38

    I don’t really get it, if you don’t prefer non-Mormon or Mormon boys over each other, why date non-Mormon. I mean if it makes no difference why go through the hassle of trying to work out some religious beliefs that could later on become a problem?

    I don’t really understand why you would give up on getting married in this life either. I have many friends who have gotten married while in their 30′s.

    Interesting to hear about the bishop, please remember that these men are not professionally trained, while they do their best some bishops do make mistakes. I don’t agree with what he said, but I figure we can give him a little bit of slack, at least in the end he understood your point.

    I definitely agree with what you say about looking for a companion. I think that sometimes people in the church can imply “anyone who is willing will do!” which just isn’t true, keep up your…

    Reply

  35. Brunna
    February 20th, 2014 12:48

    I’m glad you took your decision! That’s great because God loves you and you know the promises for women that don’t find a husband that they can trust their heart and bind their future with his.

    I was baptized at 18 and I married my husband exactly a month ago. I’m 22 and happy for my decision but I only married him because I was sure that even with difficulties (external or not) I know he won’t destroy my heart. It took me 2 years and 3 months for me to ask him to marry me (yes, I ASK HIM, HAHA!). 10 months later, I couldn’t be happier for my decision.

    You’re a precious daughter of God, don’t marrry just because marriage is important in Church. He wouldn’t want that. Marry because you’re in love and because you trust this guy wants to be a man, a son, a husband and a father that God wants him to be!

    P.S.: I’m brazilian, so if you find any English mistake or don’t…

    Reply

  36. Ammon
    February 21st, 2014 22:30

    Temple ordinances are so important, and the endowment often becomes more of a checklist associated with missions or marriages that loses its deep significance. One of the most truly disappointing things about the church is the many, many people who pass of the endowment as “weird” because they were not spiritually prepared. The endowment should be an event in and of itself which we carefully prepare for. It should be as important as a baptism or a sealing. While it is required for missions and sealings, I don’t feel that people should be denied of an opportunity to make covenants with Heavenly Father if they are mature and worthy to do so! I have heard, however that the reason why people are denied before a certain age in Utah Valley is because they try to avoid people getting endowed just to go to a sealing. But I’m sure if there was a more careful analysis by the Spirit along with…

    Reply

  37. Katella
    February 22nd, 2014 14:10

    I don’t think the bishop or stake president were trying to make this girl feel like she didn’t deserve to go to the temple or that she could not take out her own endowments. In the LDS church, marriage is a VERY important thing. It is important because that is how we have families. So I don’t think we should assume that all these members who ask “Are you dating anyone?” are trying to be judgmental. I wouldn’t ask that question for that reason. I would ask that question because family and marriage is BEAUTIFUL, and I want to know if you have been able to move forward in that blessing. If not, ok, I do not think you are a bad or sinful person. I just want you to someday feel and know the joy I have of having a spouse and family, and it is SO important to me, that it is what I will ask you about. Because I SO BADLY want you to feel all that joy. Does that mean that this girl is…

    Reply

  38. Chelsea
    February 22nd, 2014 17:00

    We all get judged and unfortunately judge. I like you believe that the Gospel is about Christ and mourning with those that mourn and serving and about love. I don’t think that everybody that is divorced is a “failure at marriage” but often times in their pain that is how they are judged… I am resolving to try a little harder and love a little more… life can be hard enough we should strive to lift each other up and enjoy the beauties together no titles single, married, divorced, childless, or otherwise.

    Reply

  39. tooka
    February 22nd, 2014 21:04

    So sorry you had that experience. I went through the temple for my endowment a few days before I turned 20. I remember asking my Bishop about going and he was all for it. I didn’t even have to take Temple Prep. I asked him if the Stake President would be so eager to let me go and he couldn’t see why not. So, I made scheduled the temple date, etc. and then had the interview with the Stake President. He said that they usually like you to wait until you are getting married or going on a mission because the Temple covenants are so important and so serious that it’s really helpful to have someone with you all the time (spouse or missionary companion) to help you keep those covenants. He did let me go, but he made his own daughter wait until she got her mission call.

    Also, on the marriage thing, it’s true that nosy people say hurtful things when they are trying to fit you into their…

    Reply

    • tooka
      February 22nd, 2014 21:06

      mold. But don’t waste your time worrying about them. It’s not worth it. I was 29 when I got married and had started to worry about becoming an old maid. Things will work out when the timing is right. Keep moving forward and you will be just fine.

      Reply

  40. February 23rd, 2014 23:56

    I can really relate to everything you said, except that I was dating someone at the time and my leaders thought it was because of that. Nope. He didn’t go with me.

    Anyway, the focus on marriage stressed me out so much (and being in Utah was the worst place for that, honestly–I felt so much better when I didn’t live in Utah). By about 25, I felt burned out, and like there must be something wrong with me, and that I should just forget about that goal of marriage and figure out a life instead.

    I wish you the best of luck and peace with whatever you do.

    Reply

  41. Melissa Mays
    February 24th, 2014 16:34

    I am sorry that you had such a negative experience at the beginning of your conquest to go through the temple but glad you were able to succeed! You are not the only one to decide to go solo, I went through the temple myself at the age of 26; I didn’t serve a mission and I seem to think the same as you regarding marriage. I had a hard time with this at first however I have come to realize how glad I am things have worked out as they have! I can see how well I am truly known above. I love that it was a decision I could make on my own and that I was older and wiser; I feel I have a deeper appreciation for things as compared to had I been younger and just getting married. I had to laugh at some of the guys reactions, really?! Just know you are not alone in seeking to conquer the world as a single sister, there are more of us out there then we realize!

    Reply

  42. Taylor
    February 24th, 2014 20:17

    In response to:
    “If I marry outside of the Church I know there will be issues. Such as my desire to attend the temple
    regularly, which I’ll have to do alone, raising my children in a religion their father doesn’t share, three
    hours every Sunday dedicated to going to church and going alone. It sounds incredibly lonely.”

    These lonely things can be mitigated somewhat. Though it may not fit the ideal, cover-of-the-Ensign image we have been taught to never compromise, a marriage outside the temple can be very sacred and fulfilling. If you choose that path, I believe you’ll find yourself in similar company, who would love to attend temple with you. And you may be able to find a man who will attend church with you and support family prayer even if he isn’t a Mormon.

    (A side note: After you graduate, you may find more intellectual and spiritual…

    Reply

  43. Mungagungadin
    February 24th, 2014 21:07

    Men, schmen. *I* like you quite a lot.

    Watch out for the temple rites. They are much more demeaning than you are anticipating, I think.

    Reply

  44. Selina
    February 25th, 2014 0:10

    Is it wrong that I want to set you up on a date with one of my best friends? LOL! J/K Let us know if you’re ever headed up towards Rexburg, ID, I would very much like to be a friend of your’s. My husband has tattoos and I have multiple piercings, yet we are temple worthy, and that confuses a lot of people, especially in a bubble like the one here. You sound like you could use some good down to earth Mormon friends. :)

    Reply

    • Brittany
      February 26th, 2014 10:38

      Selina, I’m always up for that. :)

      Reply

  45. Someone
    February 25th, 2014 8:09

    I think your attitude is off. This sounds a little fabricated, exaggerated, bitter, and Jaded. Instead of letting other people control how you feel…live how you want to…. If you overcome your attitude you will be happier and get closer to getting what you want out of life.

    Reply

  46. May
    February 25th, 2014 8:27

    I can somewhat relate to your plight. I was 30 when I “FINALLY” got married. I also grew up in Utah. I didn’t serve a mission. I prayed about it and didn’t feel prompted to go. I felt a great desire to take out my endowments when I was 24 as well. I had a great experience with it. It was a long time ago, and perhaps things have changed that much in the last 12 years with trying to “encourage” women to get married first. I am so sorry for your experience. But there are men in the church who will think your righteous decisions are quite attractive. I say that from experience. Though yes, I had to leave Utah to find one of those men….

    Reply

  47. Coco
    February 25th, 2014 9:32

    I’m just glad they actually let you get your recommend! I did the exact same thing as you TWICE and got refused both times without even being asked about my spiritual preparedness. I didn’t get to go through the temple until I got married.

    Reply

  48. Holly
    February 25th, 2014 9:55

    I’m someone who doesn’t fit either the perfect magazine beauty ideal or the prefect Mormon housewife ideal, but has a lot of other great qualities: intelligence, wit, spirituality, all around fantasticness . . . But I also haven’t had a lot of dating opportunities with LDS guys. Because of that, I can easily believe that, yes, Mormon men are that shallow and vapid.

    Reply

    • Holly
      February 25th, 2014 9:55

      Don’t get me wrong, I realize that there are some men out there who care about more than physical beauty, (I think I may have even met some) but those men are few in number. Just look at some of the comments on this thread. Or consider the misssionaries who encourage each other to go tracting by telling each other that the longer they stay out, the more “hot wife” points they earn (as did my MTC district).

      Reply

    • Holly
      February 25th, 2014 9:56

      And then consider that these many of these men are likely future leaders in the church–bishops, stake presidents and the like. I just pray that these men learn some humility, compassion, and respect before then, but God often calls imperfect people, so we’ll see. I kind of wonder if that’s not some of the reason that we are still struggling with cultural, if not doctrinal, inequalities in the church. Men (especially before the 1980s) were never taught to value women as their intellectual equals, only for their divine motherhood or somesuch.

      Reply

    • Holly
      February 25th, 2014 9:56

      I’ve had church leaders who were nice people and were, I think, sincerely trying to do their best, but were hindered by the fact that they didn’t fully utilize the talents of the Relief Society presidency and other women in the ward.

      Thankfully, I think the brethren are aware of the problem and are taking some measures to correct things, but it may be too little too late for this generation.

      Reply

  49. Just sayinh
    February 25th, 2014 10:19

    You should look up the definition/provenance of the word “uppity” and then try not to use it any more. It has racist connotations.

    Reply

  50. Kellie
    February 25th, 2014 10:22

    Haha, NO! Don’t just focus on getting married!!!! But don’t give up hope either. Don’t marry outside the covenant…unless the spirit tells you to. There have been husbands known to change their lives and join the church, but honestly, that rate is very low.

    Just because you’re not married by 30 doesn’t mean you give up and marry outside the covenant. I know a lady who was 50 when she finally met a man who loved her and wanted to take her to the temple. But she wasn’t sitting in angst for 25 years because of her single status!!! She was involved in the community, had a career, magnified her callings, loved and served others–a truly amazing woman!

    Sometimes we see the world as if there are only two options. In this case, staying single forever or marrying outside the covenant. Could it be that God wants you to have a marriage to a GOOD man AND one that’s in the covenant?…

    Reply

  51. Erin
    February 25th, 2014 15:13

    I had a similar experience. However my bishop after I spoke with him about it was willing to recommend me to the president. I was 22 and single with no match in my future.
    I would recommend that you tell the president and bishop what you had felt and prayed about and they will i’m sure ask for you to wait while they pray. I have full faith that those men are called of god and if they did not feel it was time for you to go then there must have been a reason.

    Reply

  52. Rachel
    March 1st, 2014 23:49

    I had an experience very similar to the author’s, with an extremely discouraging bishop even though I was 25 at the time (he was a good bishop and a wonderful man, but this was not a good experience). In light of his resistance I decided to wait.

    A year later I was called into my new Bishop’s office and he suggested I go through temple prep with several other unmarried, mature women and men who hadn’t made it to the temple yet. This Bishop stressed the importance of the endowment, and emphasized that it shouldn’t be a checklist on the way to being sealed in marriage but a destination in its own right. He never even brought up my dating status or my readiness for marriage.

    I hope attitudes in the church grow to resemble those of my second bishop – encouraging, tolerant, and kind.

    Reply

  53. Justin
    March 4th, 2014 16:41

    You are awesome. Thanks for your example of discipleship to Christ, as opposed to a simple following of the Mormon culture.

    Reply

  54. March 15th, 2014 22:22

    This is the big unspoken reason why the mission age for women was lowered and why so many thousands are using this as a good as excuse as any to take out their own endowments. I speak from experience just how dried up the dating pool is after returning from my mission in 1999. Now I’m 39 and believe single sisters like us need to use the internet and other resources to form a support group, not a “lonely hearts club” but a network of support, a collusion, if you haven’t seen “The Economics of Sex” on YouTube yet go look it up because from a Mormon singles ward perspective it’s spot on. Check out my blog and congrats on your upcoming graduation.

    Reply

  55. Emily
    July 5th, 2014 0:19

    Brittany,
    I’m exactly where you are. The kink in my situation is that there aren’t many Mormons where I live. So it’s almost non-members or nothing. There is a singles ward technically close by (hour and a half) but it’s on a college campus and if you aren’t a student you’re kind of treated like the plague. “Cliquish” doesn’t even begin to cover it. Lol
    I wish I had more friends like you. Hang in their girl we’re gonna make it.
    Sending you hugs!

    Reply

    • Brittany
      August 4th, 2014 16:39

      Emily! Let’s be friends! :)

      Reply

      • Emily
        August 4th, 2014 19:06

        Absolutely!

        Reply

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