Being the connoisseur of new-age narcissism that I am, I delight in making my yearly New Years Rezes. With the beginning of a new year, we have a prime opportunity to change ourselves for the better and reach the goals in our life that we just haven’t yet been able to attain. Here are just a few that I intend to keep in 2010:
Start smoking, then quit. Why let smokers get all the glory that comes with breaking the habit? This year, I intend to get hooked on tobacco and quit so that whenever someone doesn’t think they can do something I’ll say “Yeah, we’ll I didn’t think I could quit smoking either. But I did, and you so can you.” Even if they aren’t trying to quit smoking, I’ll say this.
Get a Segway. I can’t afford one, but I know you can. Send me money so I can buy one. They rule.
Take the bus. It’s cheaper, you save gas, and you don’t have to worry about your Accord crapping out on you on Sandhill Road. More important, it’s good for the environment. After all, 2010 is the year that going green is at its highest vogue. Which leads me to my next resolution…
Mistake going green to mean that I should wear green a lot. This may be my best and most important resolution. With this resolution, St. Patrick’s Day is no longer a rare holiday that tickles us once year. It’s every day, and it’s saving the Earth from imminent destruction.
Not saying “I don’t care what people think about me.” Because people that say this do care what people think about them, even and especially contestants on THE REAL WORLD.
Take the right seriously. This is a hard, excruciatingly difficult one. When the party is headed by the likes of ol’ Limbaugh and Beck, it’s hard to be open-minded. But hey, here’s to a half-hearted effort in 2010.
Not saying “Let there be light” when someone flips a light switch. It’s not clever — it’s dumb. And I need to stop saying it.
Send out positive energy into the universe — all the time. If there is a problem in my life, or I’m feeling sad, I’ll suppress it and delude myself into believing everything is fine. They call this denial, I mean, positive psychology, I believe.
Overcome my fear of using urinals. No longer will I slink ashamedly into the protective stall out of fear of the exposed urinal. I will embrace this foe, and become a man once and for all. I realize no one is looking — I didn’t say it was rational.
Overcome my fear of badgers. This debilitating and serious malady has kept me from pursuing many of my life goals. This year, I will face and overcome the fear that this clawing, snarling and frothing creature elicits in me.
Only be violent in the heat of the moment, never premeditate. This is just a general rule of thumb that I like to affirm every once in a while and keep alive.
That about sums it up for 2010, which is looking to be a pretty damn good year. I hope I can fulfill all of these resolutions. If not, there is always the option to resort to getting defensive and indulging in self-berating for relief. In any case, I implore each and every one of you to make your own New Year’s resolutions. If you’re having a hard time, copy mine and pretend you’re me until you figure it out. Until 2011, I bid thee a good new year! May all your greatest, most absurd goals be realized.