This Tuesday, UVU’s administration issued a shocking proclamation; UVU has officially declared war on Brigham Young University. The declaration stated that UVU was forced to take action because of BYU’s “repeated and annoying acts of douchebaggery against the faculty, staff, and students of Utah Valley University.”
Students of UVU, after seeing the declaration on the home page of the school’s website, reacted immediately and with fervor, setting fire to the “Y” on the mountain within hours of the declaration’s issuing.
The declaration itself bears a striking resemblance to the United States’ 1917 declaration of war against the Imperial German Government. History majors across campus are researching the documents to “determine whether the administration of UVU plagiarized Congress’ original document,” said Carl Whiteley.
BYU’s counter-action is yet to be determined. Stay tuned for the next issue of the Specter for details.
April 1, 2009
Official declaration of war
As written by the Board of Trustees and authorized and approved by the president.
Joint Resolution Declaring that a state of war exists between Brigham Young University and the faculty, staff, and students of Utah Valley University and making provision to prosecute the same.
Whereas Brigham Young University has committed repeated and annoying acts of douchebaggery against the faculty, staff, and students of Utah Valley University; Therefore be it Resolved by the President and the Board of Trustees of Utah Valley University in Orem, Utah Assembled, that the state of war between Utah Valley University and Brigham Young University which has thus been thrust upon UVU is hereby formally declared; and that the President be, and he is hereby, authorized and directed to employ the entire forces of Utah Valley University and the resources of the institution to carry on war against Brigham Young University; and to bring the conflict to a successful termination; all of the resources of the institution are hereby pledged by the Board of Trustees.