A local anonymous hipster, known among students as “the one with the bright pink fixie and the beanie made of yak fur,” has been temporarily ostracized by his peers for making a quick decision about which blended coffee drink to purchase at the Starbucks at University Mall. Susan Blake, hipster employee at the establishment, said, “Yeah – the dude just came in, walked right up to the counter without looking at the decor with disdain, and ordered a tall mocha with cinnamon, like, without even thinking. He didn’t even complain about how it wasn’t fresh ground while drinking it. The whole incident was an affront to our culture, and he should be punished.”
The Spectre attempted to reach the National Hipster Association to determine what the culprit’s punishment will be, but apparently the NHA doesn’t exist. Look at the next issue of The Spectre for details.
The stretch of University Avenue in Provo between 100 N. and 200 N. has been officially renamed “Hipster Place,” by the Provo Board of Regents. The block contains indie-boho-environmentally conscious shops such as Velour, The Pennyroyal Cafe, Muse Music, and the Coal Umbrella. Long known as the hipster-heart of the valley, Hipster Place now has a name to match its reputation.
Blake Heartney, a local hipster who focuses his hipster-ness on his image and vocabulary, has found a solution to one of his greatest personal issues with the hipster culture. “I like to shower, man,” Heartney said. “But I can’t get my hair to do the right thing when it’s clean. So I wouldn’t shower, and I feel just gross. But then I do shower, and I get the, uh, the cold shoulder.” Heartney solved his problem by creating a new hair supplement, that gives the appearance of days without a shower, but is in reality quite hygenic.
“I just make this concoction of half pomade, half hair gel. You mix it up with a spatula, and just rub it in there. I looked at pictures of old-school Jude Law for inspiration,” Heartney said.
Heartney plans to make an underground business of his find. To purchase the potion that un-does your showering, wait on the lawn just outside the outdoor entrance to the gym after 11 p.m. on Thursdays.